not an only child

scene: kitchen table, lunch time, a couple weeks ago

2012-02-09T09:57:00.000-05:00

Emmett is eating pasta, begging for more parmesan cheese to be added to the bowl between every bite.

Mama: "Emmett, don't you think that's enough cheese?"

Emmett: "No. I need more cheese! I need it."

Mama: "You're just like your Uncle Greg; he used to eat lots and lots of cheese on his pasta, too."

Emmett: "Where is Uncle Greg? Where is Uncle Greg's cheese?"

2011

2012-01-09T15:57:00.000-05:00

Everywhere I look, the past couple of weeks, there is a blogger recapping 2011. There are memes, countdowns, favorites lists, essays, casual mentions and recaps... countless different ways it's being done. I see them and I like their ideas for documenting and remembering, and I want to do the same.

I've realized something about myself, though. I think I think differently from most people. I see all these year end/new year posts, full of specific memories and timelines from the past year. And I can't come up with things that happened in the past year. Which is not to say I can't remember things - just that I remember them in a different way. I don't think in a linear way.

I group things - events, trips, parties, holidays, even songs and books - into emotional categories, rather than linear, time-related categories. I can tell you about all the time I spent with my cousins. I can tell you about the best things Emmett and I have done, seen, eaten & played with. I can tell you about trips I've taken to PA and trips to CT. I can tell you about the times we've had people over and the most enjoyable meals we've had out as a family. I can tell you about the projects I've done on the house (bad example, maybe, since that's all from 2011!). And I can tell you the best books I've read and the songs that stick out in my mind.

But, unless hard pressed to think it through on a calendar, I most likely can't tell you when these things happened. Feelings tell me about these things. Memories and nostalgia and objects that remind me of events and people keep my memories alive. I think my brain doesn't have a calendar function - at least for memories.

Over the course of 2011, there are really only two events that were major enough to stick out for me on a timeline. One year ago this week, I had a miscarriage. And four months after that, in May, we moved into our new home.

I do think linearly, in an organized timeline kind of way, for future planning. The new year, every year, does feel like a fresh start to me. While I don't always do resolutions or goals, I do feel a sense of new beginning. I feared that this year would be different for me. I am anxious for a bigger family, something we've been trying to do for 20 months now. Going into 2012 with so much time stretching out in front of me and no real control over the situation seemed daunting and scary and endless. I discovered, though, that opening up and talking to Mike was an excellent way to center myself and create goals for overcoming secondary infertility and growing our family (imagine - actually communicating in a direct way - who knew?!).

I am feeling more positive about my marriage, my family, my home and my network of friends and family than I have in a very long time.

I am ready for you, 2012. Bring it.

until it happens to someone you love

2011-12-05T22:56:00.000-05:00

Written for an English assignment in high school, what follows is a guest post from my cousin's son Zachary. He was asked to write about something that changed his life, and he chose to write about my brother.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Picture a small, cozy clearing ringed with towering, ancient pine and maple trees. In the center naturally fallen logs sit around a tall, blazing bonfire. A gentle breeze slinks into the clearing bringing with it the heady scent of moist wood and whisking the fire’s smoke into the wide blue sky. This same breeze also makes the trees rustle in a strange, almost other-worldly music. Listen closely, and you may hear the forest’s heartbeat. It is made up of the voices of birds twining together with the trees and squirrels in an orchestral imitation of glorious sound around you. They sing of the simple joys of life. This is where I believe my second cousin Gregory would visit often.

Gregory was a very likable guy with a great personality. He lived for the outdoors spending every available second there. Because of this he worked as a construction worker which provided opportunity to stay outdoors and work hard. Even as a kid, I am told, he was very adventurous and would often be out skiing, hiking or kayaking (among many others) with his parents (my Great Aunt and Uncle) and his sister Amy. He enjoyed fishing trips, and as a teen, joined not one, but two Outward Bound programs. Anyone can see why I liked spending time with him.

Unfortunately, Gregory was also addicted to drugs. He had started with marijuana and by the time of his death, he was using heroin. My Grandmother (his Aunt), speculates that Gregory’s adventurous spirit may have been what caused him to start in the first place. He died at the age of 22, only 7 years older than I am now. Right before he died he had been in the process of planning a hiking trip in the famous Appalachian Trail with his girlfriend Aggie. At the time of his death in 2006, I was 10, soon to be 11 years old. At this point I was still very much a kid, but I remember being told he had died, and feeling shocked. He had actually gone to a rehab facility in Oklahoma from July, 2005 to January, 2006. Unfortunately, when he came back his friends started him with drugs all over again.

Now that I am older I can feel the full effects of this grief and it still hurts to think about him. Whenever my Grandparents held a party, Gregory would always set aside some time to go out in the yard to play with me. Before any of this happened I never had a reason to think about drugs. I knew what they were and what they do but, it was never really a concern of mine. You never expect anyone you know to die from it. Almost every night you hear a story about a drug addict dying on the street. You automatically assume that they were a bad person, and you don’t give it another thought. Until it happens to someone you love you don’t know what it is truly like. Gregory wasn’t a bad or stupid person. He was smart and got help but it didn’t stick. Now when I hear about a dead drug addict I think about what their family must be feeling. It is truly a horrible thing and no one should have to go through it.

Looking back at what happened to Gregory has reinforced my resolution to never use drugs. What happened to Gregory scares me. I don’t ever want my life to end in such a way. As a memorial of Gregory’s death his parents decided to set up a fund in his honor. The fund benefits such organizations like the AMC (Appalachian Mountain Club) and Outward Bound. These organizations help young people gain a stronger understanding and appreciation of the outdoors which Gregory loved so much.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

This essay is published exactly as Zachary wrote it, without edits from me. A few facts in his writing are not exactly accurate as I know them and some points, of which I have a much different perspective, I would have addressed quite differently. Having said that, the piece is honest, true and accurate to Zachary's knowledge and I think it captures a very special point of view. Zachary, I thank you for the honor of allowing me to share this piece here.

Information on the memorial fund to which Zachary refers can be found here.

reflecting

2011-11-28T23:25:00.000-05:00

If the complete lack of response to last week's post is any indication, I am sort of back to the drawing board here. I suppose that takes the pressure off - I feel like I'm just writing for myself, for my own therapy and benefit, which is why I started this blog in the first place. Writing here has helped me wade through a lot of difficult things, as well as celebrate many joys. I'm going to take this opportunity to go back to writing just for me - when I feel like writing and whatever I feel like writing. When I write consistently, I am much healthier emotionally. I am more likely to take things in stride. I face things instead of shoving them away in my mind to fester. I write, let the words spill out onto the screen, and once I've done that, I can step back and gain perspective. If I'm just writing for my own therapy, it will be okay with me. If you are reading and want to come along for the ride, welcome; I'll be thrilled to have you.

I'm not sure if I've written about this before, but I'm not going back into the archives to check because it's on my mind and I'm going to write about it either way. One of my most favorite memories with Greg was taking the time to go pick out a Christmas tree together. He used to work part time during Christmas season at a local tree farm, and he had access to the farm's special reserve sections of trees. We'd spend ages up there, covering every bit of ground and examining every tree. We'd argue the pros and cons of this one or that one and finally settle on the very best one. Greg would cut it down and we'd drag it down the hill to wrap it up and take it home. For a few years, we did this together, just the two of us.

This memory remains present and cherished for me. I love to pick the perfect tree every Christmas, and always feel Greg's presence when I find a good tree and I can almost hear him sighing impatiently and listing all the criticisms he'd have about it. It makes me happy to choose a tree I know he'd love, too. And I'm lucky that Mike likes to participate in getting a tree with me. He grew up with artificial trees but has never questioned my desire for a real tree; he understands how much it means to me choose and enjoy a fresh tree.
The last several years, living in cities, we've mostly been limited to the small tree stands set up around urban areas. Most of the trees are wrapped up tight, with an impatient staff, unwilling to unwrap tree after tree for my examination. It's definitely not the same experience. This year, we decided to go to a farm not far from our house and cut our own tree. Emmett got to be part of the experience. He was so excited. He took off running with complete and utter joy, in and out of the trees, around the entire area. He loved looking at all the trees and he was so happy right along with me when we found our tree. Although, after Mike cut ours down, he wasn't finished - he wanted to keep looking; keep finding more trees!

We got the tree strapped to the top of the car, brought it home, and Emmett followed me around and around the tree as I strung the lights. He keeps shrieking excitedly that we have a Christmas tree! Like he keeps remembering it's there and he can't believe his luck! We haven't put on the ornaments yet; we'll get to that later this week. But it's up, lit, and filling our house with light and holiday spirit.

I am very thankful that Emmett and Mike share in my joy. It helps me keep alive my memories of selecting and loving the perfect Christmas trees with Greg.

Choosing a tree is a symbol of the start of the holiday season for me. It's a tangible start to a time filled with love, giving, feasting, and - most importantly, to me - the joyful and frequent gathering of family and friends. This is my favorite time of year.

prompts, please?

2011-11-22T23:59:00.001-05:00

I have been suffering from serious writer's block lately. I guess that's fairly obvious. I want to write, very badly actually, but I just can't seem to string any meaningful words together.

I don't know if I have any readers left at all by now, but if you're out there and you'd like to see more of my writing, I've got a favor to ask of you. Please ask me a question, make an observation, or suggest a topic you think I should cover here. Absolutely anything goes.

You can submit anonymously or not, either way. Just leave a comment below or email me via link at the top of the page.

I know this is a lot to ask, but I'm getting desperate- this place is such a good outlet for me and I really want to use it. I thank you from the bottom of my heart in advance!

a semi-tuned piano

2011-10-21T15:55:00.000-04:00

Shortly before we moved into our house, we came across an opportunity for a piano. It was in a house about 15 minutes away from here, a house that someone our agent knew had bought to flip. They just wanted to get rid of it; all we had to do was arrange a time to pick it up and it was ours. Not having any idea what to expect, we emptied the moving truck, took a few strong friends to help and relocated it to our living room.

It turned out to be a lovely piece of furniture, though it was old and suffered from significant neglect. It was so violently out of tune that I didn't even let Emmett play around with it. I shut the lid, waiting for a piano tuner friend of ours to have a chance to look at it.

A few weeks ago, Alissa and Paul came to spend the afternoon and have dinner. Paul, the piano tuner, brought his bag of tricks and took a look. His initial evaluation was that the strings were old and brittle, and the entire inside was dusty and rusty and generally neglected. To fix it properly, it would need lots of parts and lots of work, but he agreed to give it a go, tuning it as is, knowing there was a good chance a string would break at any time, rendering any work done worthless.

As he began to tune it, he started playing the notes up the keyboard. The piano was so far out of tune that as he was going up the keys, the pitch actually went back down in a couple of places. By some miracle, though, he made it all the way through and thanks to his skillful work, the piano became playable!

It is surely not perfect, as the piano itself has plenty of flaws and he only had time to tune it once, rather than the usual 3 times in one day to achieve the best result, and it has, of course, slipped some since the day he worked on it. It's more like an old church basement piano, slightly out of tune, a little musty sounding, with a couple of notes down near the bottom that sound pretty hollow, but it's my piano. It is providing Emmett and me with plenty of laughter and music. I'm not very good, but he doesn't care, and it's making me so happy to have a piano in the house and to be learning to play a little bit again.

community wind ensemble

2011-09-29T08:08:00.000-04:00

You guys! I found a community wind ensemble. It rehearses less than 10 minutes from my house. They rehearse once a week and have about 4 concerts September through May. There are two vacancies: clarinet and trumpet. I applied this morning, and am hopeful I'll get a call to audition. I am unbelievably excited about this. Cross your fingers for me!

hurricanes, generators and neighbors

2011-08-28T22:30:00.001-04:00

We went into Hurricane Irene expecting heavy, heavy rain and power loss, rendering our fancy new monster of a sump pump useless, since we don't have a generator on it yet. Knowing this, we spent Saturday emptying the basement as best we could, and raising up/securing things. The storm hit pretty hard Saturday evening into this morning, though we didn't lose power until this morning.

We had about 5 inches of water in the basement at one point, but thanks to an extremely kind, generous and resourceful neighbor, a generator was hooked up to our pump and it remains under control. He knew we didn't have a generator, and he had an old one he'd never run. He was at our house last night from about 11pm to 12:45am, with Mike, getting it up and running for us. He brought it over, tested it, discovered it was missing a part (the governor - which, I gather, is quite important). So he went back over to his house and he built the part for it. It totally saved us.

The rain stopped, the wind has mostly died down, and the water is gone from our garage & basement. The generator has been moved to a new location between the two houses (pictured above), and it gave us some light, cold food/drinks and charged phones for a couple hours tonight. We don't know when we'll have power back or when the trains will start running again, but it doesn't matter too much.

Irene didn't leave nearly as much destruction as she had potential to cause. Our trees are still standing and our basement is drying out. The neighborhood was out in full force this afternoon; we are surrounded by kind, thoughtful, interesting neighbors. And there is cold beer in the fridge.

ramblings heard through the monitor this morning

2011-08-25T07:25:00.001-04:00

Transcribed in real time, as I'm listening to him:

"Daddy make a fire? Yeah? Yeah!"

"Sonnez les matines, ding ding dong."

"Read a book. Read a book. Read a book."

"See Poppy? See Poppy right there? Bye bye Poppy!"

"Make breakfast? Okay!"

"Frere Jacques, dormez vous, sonnez les matines, ding ding dong"

"Want some milk? Amy? Amy!"

After his book hits the floor- "Mama get it? Mama get it? Mama get OUT?"

"Play letters. Play letters. Play letters."

"Frere Jacques. Frere Jacques."

"Get out. Get out!"

"Mamamamamamamamamamama"

"h k l m o p q"

"Talk to Poppy now! Yeah! Oh yeah!"

"Lie down, Puppy. Get your diaper on. All done."

"Mama! Okay, I'm coming. Come on! Come on!"

I guess that's my cue to go get him up!

pondering

2011-08-16T22:56:00.001-04:00

Always, the first thing to pass through Emmett's lips if he stirs in the night is, "Mama." I wonder how long that will be true.

the things that can drag you back

2011-07-26T15:42:00.000-04:00

As you may know, Amy Winehouse died on Saturday, and, though it hasn't been confirmed by toxicology yet, the public assumption is that she died from a drug overdose. Her use of drugs was widely publicized and when her death was reported, several offhand comments popped up on my facebook news feed. One person in particular, someone close and dear to me, posted a particularly dismissive comment about how unsurprising her death was.

Whenever a celebrity dies of a drug overdose, which has happened a few times since Greg died, there are inevitably these types of comments in the media and in general conversation. I am in the habit of blocking out these discussions, as it brings forward some difficult feelings for me. I know that these people used drugs of their own accord; in a way, they "brought it upon themselves," as is often said. I also know that addiction and its struggles, in reality, are far more complicated than that. These addicts - these people - they have families. They have friends. They have lives and issues and struggles and joys and sorrows.

Even if they are celebrities, this is true. Even if the media has shown only one side of them. Even if it's so easy to dismiss them as worthless addicts you've never met and won't think twice about.

I force myself to block out these comments, because I am hyper-sensitive to this issue. If I let it in, every single offhand comment about drugs, addicts and overdoses makes me question how people view my family. My brother died of an overdose because he made some bad decisions, and because of addiction. I am in no way denying that. But that is just a small part of his story. That is what happened to him, but that is not his story. That is not his legacy. That is only a small part of him.

Amy Winehouse's family, right now, has to deal with the media (not just news, but blogs, magazines, social networks, tabloids, and countless other outlets) making assumptions about their daughter, their sister, their cousin, their friend.

I dealt with, and still deal with, enormous internal struggles regarding how to present my brother's memory. I am not trying to make him a saint, because heaven knows he wasn't. I am not trying to hide the fact that he died of a heroin overdose, because he did. That's what happened. I just don't want people to forget the rest of his story; I don't want the rest of it to be overshadowed by the way he died.

When that facebook post popped up the other day, I closed facebook and ignored it. But it ate away at me, dragging up all those fears that people just think of my brother as a druggie, and no wonder he died, oh well, tough break, life goes on. It made me remember hearing through the grapevine that many high school classmates of mine - people I never called friends - were gossiping about Greg and digging for juicy details about his death. It made me realize how incredibly painful that was, and on such a small scale. Imagine being under that kind of offhand scrutiny in front of the general public?

I went back into facebook and told this person how I felt. This person responded, we talked about it, and it ended with an apology and the post being taken down. I explained that I know I am hyper-sensitive to the issue, and I wasn't trying to censor. I just wanted another perspective included. But as I said, this person is dear to me, and understood where I was coming from.

I've been secretly bothered by these types of comments from many different sources since Greg died - some related to him directly, but most of them not. I don't know what made me confront it this time, but I'm glad I did. It dragged out a lot of residual pain, hurt and fear but it was worth it. It was therapeutic, in a way. And I sincerely thank the facebook friend in question for listening to me and understanding.

herb garden

2011-06-21T22:20:00.000-04:00

I was going to continue our tour by moving through the front door into the front hall, but I'm holding that for later because I can't wait to show you our herb garden project! I only wish I had thought to take a well-framed before picture.

This is the best picture I can find of our kitchen door area before we built an herb garden and bigger patio area. It doesn't show the patio area at all, but it was basically a small sidewalk, from the stairs to the driveway, and mostly overgrown. We cleared out a big overgrown section of this garden, including pachysandra, which is an absolute nightmare of an underground vine. We dug out some large rocks, which were probably a wall or border at one time before they got mixed into the garden soil. We built a wall, fertilized, planted herbs. Then we tackled the small sidewalk/patio area. There are pieces of slate scattered around our property, so we gathered those. Then we dug out the area where we wanted to put them, leveled it, chose pieces of stone and built an expanded patio.

This was initially supposed to be a quick project of ripping out some plants and putting in some herbs, but it turned into a redesign of this entire area. I am so happy with how it came out, and I find myself lingering in that area just to enjoy it.

front door

2011-06-11T22:30:00.000-04:00

Welcome to our new house! The arched front door and the tile floor in the entryway are two of my favorite features (that old wreath, left by the former owners, has been tossed since this photo was taken). Our house is 86 years old, and it shows in the style and character, which is why I love it so much.

It's been a crazy and busy and happy month, getting settled into our new home. We are loving the space, the yard and the neighborhood. The train is a 5 minute walk away, and Mike's commute still gets him home in time to see Emmett before bedtime almost every night. During the day, Emmett and I wander, play, explore, do chores and we laugh. A lot. This place suits us well.

The adjusting and unpacking and painting and projects -- oh, the projects! I can't wait to show you the herb garden we've been building this weekend! It has all been occupying every spare moment and leaving almost no time for the computer.

I've decided to give you a tour, room by room, in brief posts, so I can show you the house in a manageable way, instead of one big overwhelming house tour post that makes your eyes glaze over while you skim rapidly over it. It's definitely a work in progress, this house, but we've already made it ours and we love it. I can't wait to share it with you.

dent

2011-05-23T14:45:00.000-04:00

I did something so stupid today. As I was backing out of my long, narrow driveway, Emmett gave a very loud, piercing shriek in the backseat. I turned my head to check on him, and as I did, my hand drifted on the wheel and it turned just sharply enough that I hit the fence. There is a bush growing into the fence, with sturdy branches, which I was unfortunate enough to connect with. I got out and saw a little bit of scraping and green marks at the side corner of the bumper, figured it wasn't so bad, and went on my way. When I parked and got out of the car at Target, I went around to the back of the car. That was when I discovered the grapefruit-sized dent in the back corner of the bumper. Oops. I feel so stupid and have been driving around like an old lady today, being extra cautious and hyper alert. The dent is just cosmetic, fortunately.

The particularly annoying thing: Emmett's sudden hysterical screaming fit was due to the fact that he dropped his juice.

The silver lining: You know what? I have my own driveway now.

seventeen months

2011-04-24T23:16:00.000-04:00

Dear Emmett,

This is the last time you'll get a monthly letter from me while living at your first home! You are seventeen months today, on Easter Sunday, and we spent it here in Jersey City, just the three of us at our apartment. Moving day is less than two weeks away, and by the time I write to you next, on your eighteen month day, we will be settling into our new house. We spent the morning getting bagels and playing in the park, and then we spent the rest of the day running errands, cleaning and packing. We did take time out to create a little Easter egg hunt in the courtyard for you after dinner. You raced around, joyfully finding eggs and popping them open to devour all the little snacks and cookies hidden inside.

You love all the activity here, the walking everywhere, the people and the busy things to see and explore - especially since there are renovations going on at our building, and you always want to see the diggers! I think you are going to miss lots of things about this place, and so will I. I'm really looking forward to sharing the new experiences and lifestyle of our house and neighborhood with you, though. The three of us are going to have a blast exploring our new hometown.

Having our own yard will be a wonderful change. You are exceptionally exhausting at this current age, more so than you've ever been. The reason for that, though, is that your mind and body are in constant motion, and it is so much fun to see what a sponge you are, taking everything in, remembering it, and telling us about it later. It's great, but it is also profoundly tiring, and I can't wait to have a yard where you can run free and use up some of that boundless energy.

You wear me out, kid, that is for absolute certain. Keep up the good work.

Love,
Mama

this cursed day

2011-04-09T14:05:00.000-04:00

Today is a beautiful day outside. The weather is perfect, and we spent a lovely morning at the park. There was an Easter Egg Hunt for kids, a childrens theater performance and plenty of activities. We poked through an antiques & junk store, bought a bottle of wine and a fresh baguette to go with dinner, and had lunch at the window table in a little bistro. Now Emmett's napping and we are about to do some packing and planning for our big move coming up in less than a month. A perfect day.

And yet, I am feeling hurt, miserable and angry. I am feeling sad and sorry for myself. I have been crying on and off since last night. Because today, despite its perfect mask, is my most dreaded day. I want it to be just another day, because it IS just another day, but it also isn't. It marks another year without Greg. It symbolizes time rushing by, so much of my life adding up and going by without him here. It's another tally mark on the number of years since he died, putting more and more time between now and the last time I saw his precious face.

I feel so empty and lonely today. I can't make a decision as simple as what to do next, and I feel like my head isn't quite attached properly to my body. I miss my brother so much that it's physically painful, like my body is being torn apart. I hurt today, more than I have in some time. I let my guard down, allowed myself to relive that hideous, obscene night, allowed the tears to fall, and now it's so hard to rebuild those walls, to put it away again, but I am trying. I will survive it and I will tuck it far away again so I can live my life. I am not really okay today, but I will be tomorrow.

holi

2011-03-18T21:49:00.000-04:00

Emmett got to celebrate Holi today with a bunch of neighborhood kids, and he had a blast. The Indian festival of colors to welcome spring was a perfect way to spend this warm, sunny afternoon. On our walk back home, lots of people stared at Emmett and me, drenched in colors.

In the elevator of our building (which has a high Indian population), an Indian girl about my age grinned widely when she saw us. "Did he get to play Holi?" she asked. I told her he did, and she sighed, telling me how much she missed celebrating Holi, and it made her happy to see Emmett enjoying it.

27

2011-03-08T14:44:00.000-05:00

Sunday was the 27th anniversary of my brother's birth. Next month will mark the 5th anniversary of his death.

I spent about a half hour staring at the screen here yesterday, trying to sort out what to say about it, and the two sentences above is as far as I got.

We marked the day on Sunday with some laughter and some tears (and, for my parents, a terrible awful stomach bug), and it was, in many ways, just another day. Greg isn't just dead on his birthday; he's dead every day.

We have made an effort, in the last couple of years, to celebrate his birthday instead of squeezing our eyes shut, covering our ears and screaming "LA LA LA LA LA" while we wait for the day to be over. It is not easy.

Stuffing the thoughts, memories and feelings way, way back in my head is how I survive. If I want to move forward, I have to push it back, ignore it. As my mom recently told a friend who asked how she does it, "I choose to live my life."

Make no mistake: it is a choice. We choose to spend most of our time and energy moving forward and living, or we choose to spend it dwelling and suffering and grieving.

Having chosen to live, having chosen to push it all aside and embrace life even without my brother, it is hard to lower that wall and let it out. To do so is like opening flood gates, breaking down levees, allowing the grief and the threat of suffering and depression to come in and overwhelm me.

I experiment with inching that wall down ever so slightly, in order to keep memories present, alive and fresh without bringing down the uncontrollable wave of grief with it, but I'm not very good at it. And I would say our attempts to celebrate Greg's birthday, to actively remember and celebrate his life, have not been very successful. It is a step in the right direction, though, however tiny, and we will continue to celebrate his life on his birthday as best we can.

My mom wondered aloud this morning whether we'll ever get to the point where we can really talk about him.

I hope we will.

fifteen months

2011-02-24T21:36:00.000-05:00

Dear Emmett,

You are a fifteen month old with the vocabulary and language usage of about a two year old, according to your doctor. You performed for her, speaking and playing and showing her your personality. Your weight is slowing down; you're thinning out and talling up. This morning you weighed 25lb, 7oz and you are 31.5in tall.

We have been marveling over your speaking ability, and lots of people have asked us how many words you have. We started a list a couple of weeks ago, and we have been amazed, seeing it written down, how many words you really have. So, this month I am creating a written list of your words. I think it is the last time we'll be able to list and contain your vocabulary, and I want to remember this and be able to show it to you one day. This is probably not a complete list, but I think it's fairly close, and it tells us you have somewhere in the neighborhood of 180 words. You are also starting to put a few words together, such as "Daddy walk," "Kitty food," and - OF COURSE - "No, Mama."

These are mostly just in the order I thought of them as I was adding to the list, although the first few are your earliest words, and I did group all the names together:

Up - Light - Kitty - Clock - Please - Yes - No - Hi - Bye-bye - Book - Ball - Door - Box - Bag - Basket - Ear - Nose - Eyes - Toes - Hair - Brush - Teeth - Cup - Bath - Knee - Boots - Shoes - Socks - Bra - Pants - Clothes - Belly - Back - Butt - Walk - Bounce - Water - Juice - Milk - Toast - Apple - Applesauce - Yogurt - Raspberries - Spoon - Fork - Bowl - Cookie - Cracker - Cheese - Kix - Ghost - Boo - Cow - Horse - Dog - Duck - Pig - Zoo - TV - Car - Truck - See - Bus - Snow - Stuck - Mess - Sit -Bucket - Bear - Grinch - Blanket - Bib - Baby - Bottle - Head - Blocks - Elmo - A - B - D - Mama - Daddy - Nana - Poppy - Mimi - Pappy - Emmett - Alli - Lila - Greg - Noah - Eddie - Ashley - Mirt - Mike - Beanie - Latreash - Wheel - Gears - Down - Bug - Duke - Pull - Hat - Moon - Balloon - Bite - Blue - Red - Tree - Toys - Button - Dance - Poop - Pee - Cloth - Beep - Coat - Scarf - Boy - Girl - Keys - Bubbles - Fish - Umbrella - Heart - Kick - Glasses - Crash - Bonk - Kiss - Mail - Potty - More - Doorbell - Hot - Hug - Towel - Plow - Table - Sticker - Nice - Pizza - Thank you - This - These - Those - Magnet - Gloves - Guys - Diaper - People - Cold - Snaps - Soccer - Go - Sheet - Food - Tea - Help - Fort - Pigeon - Shirt - Zebra - Sheep - Giraffe - Toothbrush - Green - Purple - Away - Feet - Push - In - Whoops - Two - Barn - Stairs - Big

Daddy and I are in awe to be able to communicate with you so readily, and we are so proud of you. Keep on showing us all the exciting stuff going on in that busy mind of yours.

Love,
Mama

healing and growing

2011-02-11T09:19:00.000-05:00

We have a busy weekend coming up around here. Two of my college roommates, Alissa and Thais, are coming today to spend have lunch and spend the afternoon, and Emmett and I can't wait. I love them dearly and I'm so thankful we are all living in the same corner of the world again so we can see each other more often.

Tonight our friends Ashley & Eddie are coming for dinner and Mike is making soft pretzels for us to use as buns for burgers - trust me when I tell you it is AWESOME - and we'll try to convince Emmett to say Ashley's name. He says Eddie, but he won't say Ashley.

Tomorrow morning, we are meeting my parents in Westchester County, where they are going to pick Emmett up and bring him back to CT with them. At which point Mike and I will begin a whirlwind house hunting tour to last through Sunday, with a lovely, much-needed break for dinner and an overnight by ourselves. And Emmett will begin an whirlwind tour of being loved, spoiled and having his every whim indulged, to last through Sunday. We'll meet my parents for an early supper Sunday, retrieve Emmett, and get back here for Emmett's bedtime.

I have been doing a lot of thinking and healing and processing and I've realized some things about myself. I have a post brewing, so I'll be back here next week with that.

In the meantime, I have a friend who is going through a divorce from an abusive husband and learning to heal and to love herself. She's started a blog, and her writing is lovely and heart-wrenching and inspirational. Go see for yourself.

fourteen months

2011-01-24T22:58:00.000-05:00

Dear Emmett,

Today, you are 14 months old. You might not realize it, since I failed to acknowledge your 13 month day here with a letter. I have been struggling to decide whether I want to continue writing letters to you each month. It is getting so hard to put even one day of yours into words, given all that you learn and do and say, nevermind an entire month. But I would like to continue marking these days for you. I have decided your typical update letters are not too practical anymore. You have your own website, which documents a little piece of your day, every day, and that is a good marker of time and development.

Each month, though, I will continue to share something to celebrate your growth, whether it's through words, pictures, or, in this case, video. Following are a series of videos from the last couple of weeks, which capture your personality.

I hope you are as entertained by these videos one day as we are now.

Love,
Mama

pay it forward

2011-01-14T15:05:00.000-05:00

The update on me is that the bleeding has stopped and the pregnancy hormone is officially all gone from my body. Physically, I am back to normal. Mentally and emotionally, I'm healing, thanks to Mike and Emmett and wonderful family and friends. And thanks to you all.

You guys. I am sitting here, trying to figure out how to thank you. I feel like all of your arms reached right through my computer screen, picked me up and put me back on my feet. I don't know how else to put into words how much it means to me. So I'm going to ask a favor of you instead -- I'm going to try and pay it forward, with your help.

Several of you who commented on my last post included these initials: LFCA. I didn't know what that was, and so I googled it. What I found was an amazingly supportive community called Lost and Found and Connections Abound. From the introduction to their newsletter: "The point of Lost and Found is to level the support playing field. When LFCA works correctly, the newest blogger with the smallest readership can receive the same level of support as the oldest blogger with the largest readership," and "Lost and Found is open to anyone in the infertility, pregnancy loss, adoption, pregnancy-and-parenting after infertility, assisted conception, living child-free after infertility or loss community."

As I scanned the 679th Issue of the LFCA, I was startled to see my name on the list, with a link to my post, saying this: "Amy is experiencing an early loss and writes about how quickly she fell in love with her baby only to lose him or her in an early miscarriage."

I don't know who submitted me to this list, but I am grateful. I am so thankful to be introduced to a community so willing to jump in with kind words of support. So, thank you, whoever you are. And thank you to everyone who stopped by from LFCA to extend such warm thoughts, just for me.

I am asking you to go to their website. Scan the list on the latest newsletter and choose a few people who could use some support or congratulations or good luck wishes. Show them the same kindness that you and they have shown me.

it takes less than two days

2011-01-09T10:06:00.000-05:00

Six days ago, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.

Four days ago, I started spotting.

Three days ago, I started bleeding.

Two days ago, my doctor confirmed that I had a miscarriage somewhere between 5 and 6 weeks.

Today, I am regrouping and recovering.

It was brief. So brief, in fact, that if I'd not taken the pregnancy test and just kept waiting, I may never have known. I may have chalked it up to my wonky cycles and moved on, never having known the difference. But since I had Emmett, my cycles haven't been quite as wonky as usual. They've been a bit more predictable, and so I did take the test.

I proved what so many, many other women already know. That it takes less than two days to fall head over heels in love with someone I will never meet. It takes less than two days to be certain that I would do anything, absolutely anything, for that someone. It takes less than two days to rearrange your entire life inside your head to make room for this new someone; less than two days to consider yourself a family of four instead of three.

It takes only one day of bleeding to rip that new version of your life you imagined for yourself out of your grasp.

Insanely, I have never felt like a worse mother. I was just letting this new life bleed out of me and I was helpless. No matter what I did, I could not save that baby. I had no choice but to stand by and let it go. It is a very desperate and surprisingly strong feeling. I know that this is crazy. That there is nothing I did wrong and it wasn't meant to be. That it is going to be okay and time will heal this.

While it is happening, though, none of that makes any sense. It is not something that can be rationalized or explained away. It is just sad. It makes me so sad and for a little while, that needs to be okay. I need to be sad and then I need to heal and move on.

____

There are a few of you I should perhaps have told about this personally before putting it out here publicly. I hope you will understand that I am still very much in the middle of this and talking about it is very, very hard, but writing about it is my version of therapy.

tinsel

2010-12-20T10:26:00.002-05:00

We brought our Christmas tree inside a couple of weeks ago, after picking it up at a local tree lot. Mike gave it a fresh cut, it took its place in the stand, and I began turning it around and around, deciding on the perfect angle to face into the room. As I was studying the tree, an unexpected shine flashed from near the bottom. I bent down to examine it, and found a piece of tinsel nestled in the branches.

The memory came flooding in.

When I was a kid, we used to put tinsel on the Christmas tree. At some point, we stopped. I imagine it was due to some combination of environmental reasons and mess reasons. Greg loved the tinsel, though, and wanted to keep using it. The compromise was that he got to keep a few pieces. He tucked them away in his own ornament box. Each year, he carefully placed the tinsel on the tree, and then carefully tucked it back into his box.

I think this mystery strand of tinsel has just found a new home.

mini pooper

2010-12-08T22:29:00.000-05:00

I would like to introduce you to a shiny brand new blog! Meet Sarah and Brian, cousins of ours, who are in the process of adopting a baby - their very own little mini pooper. They are treasuring their journey and have decided to share it with the world. I am so excited for them and I'm looking forward to hearing about what the road ahead has in store for them. Won't you join me and welcome them to the blogosphere?

i blinked and this happened

2010-11-30T22:08:00.000-05:00

Just for comparison's sake, click here to see Emmett today, and now here is Emmett one year ago today:

elephant song

2010-11-29T22:51:00.000-05:00

If you don't already know about the Elephant Song, you should watch this. It's so clever and cute, I would watch it even if it wasn't one of Emmett's favorite things, which is not something I can say about most of what's out there for kids entertainment.

home again

2010-11-28T21:19:00.000-05:00

We are back home again for a while, after lots of travel for family events, birthday celebrations and Thanksgiving gathering. It was a wonderful whirlwind and now we've come home to this. I guess I know what I'm doing tomorrow.

a favorite

2010-11-27T22:15:00.002-05:00

This photo, taken a few weeks ago, is one of my favorite from Emmett's entire first year. I see his personality shining through his eyes and it makes me smile.

chilly walk

2010-11-26T21:42:00.005-05:00

The weather is quite bitter and cold, but Poppy bundled Emmett up and the two of them had fun on a walk outside anyway.

thanksgiving

2010-11-25T21:52:00.002-05:00

Emmett started out his Thanksgiving by opening a few birthday presents from us and from Nana & Poppy and playing with new toys. We had a very relaxing morning playing and watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Emmett took a good nap and then we went to Auntie Patty and Uncle Will's house for our big meal.

We had lots of playtime and catching up time with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, and ate ourselves silly with all the yummy food. It was a good and happy way to spend the day.

When we got back to my parents' house, Emmett had a bath and settled into his jammies. Mike built a fire and we cozied up in the living room. Emmett was totally enthralled by the fire, and kept saying "light" over and over in awe.

He's in bed now, and the rest of us are curled up on couches, watching a movie and getting ready to eat steaks being cooked in the fireplace.

I am thankful for Emmett's first Thanksgiving spent with us and family instead of in the NICU waiting for test results. I am thankful those tests eventually were negative and he is perfect, healthy and thriving. I am thankful for every hug and kiss. I am thankful for this day.

twelve months

2010-11-24T22:42:00.000-05:00

Dear Emmett,

A year ago today, you changed our lives. You came crashing into this world with plenty of fanfare, that's for sure. But when you got here, and we found out you were a boy, our Emmett, everything was suddenly perfect. You were exactly who we had been waiting for, the perfect addition to our family.

The year has flown by, and I am in awe of what an assertive and creative little boy you're becoming. Slowly, we are getting more and more insight to your personality and I'm starting to see how you fit into our family. We get glimpses of how your personality will mix with mine and with Daddy's. Our similarities and differences and habits and needs clash more often each day, but in a totally good way (most of the time). It means you're integrated more into our daily life as an individual person instead of as a baby whose needs are predictable and met on demand.

You are stubborn. I often sigh and tell you that you're too much like your Mamie. You have a stubborn streak that would have rivaled hers, and oh, how she would have loved that. How she would have loved you. It's fun to see what traits of yours mirror others in our family. For instance, your laugh is exactly like cousin Alli's and your attention span is a lot like mine and Nana's.

You talk so much. You repeat nearly everything we ask of you and I'm confident that you can say just about anything you want; it's just a matter of whether you will or not. One of your favorite words is please. Which functions very well for you as "give me that." When you spot food, a toy, an object you know you can't have, anything you want, you say please repeatedly. Other favorite words right now include light, bath, clock, ball, button, out, juice, head, blocks, truck, among many others. You know how to do some animal sounds- lion, tiger, snake, kitty, dog and cow. Pretty much everything else roars, according to you.

Over the last few weeks, you have conquered three major milestones. You are a true walking kid now. It's a rare occasion that you resort to crawling. Your car seat has been turned around to face forward, which makes for much more pleasant car rides for both of us. And your last bottle was four days ago. You still ask for your bottle, especially before bed, but we just pretend you've asked for your ball or your juice or almost anything else to distract you. It's been a bit of adjustment, but you were pushing away your bottle after only a few ounces and you were ready for the change.

You love the Five Little Monkeys and very excitedly start hitting yourself in the head when I start saying it to you or reading you the book. Going for walks makes you happy. Whenever we pass a light or a clock, it must be pointed out. The mere suggestion of a bath makes you race into the bathroom, throw any nearby washcloths or toys in, screech the word bath over and over and stare into the tub, trying to get into it by sheer force of willpower. You are fully on the go and in charge. You don't sit still for much, but you will still sit and read books. The right books will keep you occupied and calm for 20-30 minutes at a time. Favorites include Peek-a-Who?, Old MacDonald's Barn, Goodnight Moon, Five Little Monkeys, I Love You Through and Through, and several of the Spot books.

You've had quite a time celebrating your first birthday already. We had a cake for you at the Pre-Thanksgiving Feast at home in Jersey City this year, and you opened a few presents. We had a cake for you in PA with Daddy's side of the family, and all the aunts, uncles & cousins came with smiles and hugs and gifts. Today, you and I had a cupcake after your lunch as a treat before we had to get in the car to pick up Daddy and drive up to CT for Thanksgiving. We have one more big celebration in store for you on Saturday, with all of your CT family. You're really getting the hang of opening presents.

You learn so many new things every single day. It is a true pleasure to be by your side. It is an honor to be your mother. Happy Birthday, Emmett.

Love,
Mama

it's all been said already

2010-11-23T15:56:00.000-05:00

One year ago today, I was in the middle of this little adventure.

one year ago today

2010-11-22T20:20:00.000-05:00

A year ago today was my last day at home with Emmett still in my belly, though I didn't know it at the time, nor did I know he would be an Emmett. I had tied up all loose ends at my job almost a week prior, and I was at home waiting. I was dreadfully uncomfortable, dealing with a sore back, constant heartburn, and having contractions on and off, regular and then irregular, all mild and painless. That had been going on for days.

My mind was so distant and unfocused, I couldn't concentrate on anything requiring a constant attention span. TV and reading were no good. I eventually discovered in the last couple of weeks that jigsaw puzzles were the key for me. They kept me occupied without requiring too much thinking or focus. I sat at the table for hours in that last week, bouncing on the ball and doing puzzles. Mike would join me and keep me company whenever he had time.

We got out of the house occasionally, going for drives or for short walks, but mostly we waited. We did the puzzles. Mike was very patient with the doing of the puzzles all the time. And we listened to music. Waayyy back when, I requested ideas for a labor playlist. I said I would follow up with what I ended up deciding, but I never did.

I just started scanning through my iPod and the iTunes store and went with whatever songs jumped out at me and seemed like they might work. As it turns out, the playlist has served us well. I listened to it constantly during the last couple of week before Emmett was born, and I listened to it on and off during my full day of labor before I finally requested the epidural. It worked well for me.

It doesn't end there, though. I noticed after Emmett was born that whenever we played that music, the music he heard all the time before he was born, he would settle down. To this day it calms him, and it has become Emmett's playlist. If I have him in the car by myself for a trip, I will usually put on that playlist so he'll settle down and sleep in the car. It is remarkable.

In case you are curious, here is my list (in no particular order; I always listen to it on shuffle):

Lying in the Hands of God - Dave Matthews Band
Keep Holding On - Glee cast
All I Want Is You - Juno soundtrack
Down to the River to Pray - Alison Krauss (O Brother Where Art Thou soundtrack)
Bella's Lullaby - Twilight soundtrack
Besame Mucho - Andrea Bocelli
All You Need Is Love - Beatles
You're My Home - Billy Joel
Blowin' in the Wind - Bob Dylan
Pie Jesu - Chorus Angelicus
Colorblind - Counting Crows
Tiny Dancer - Elton John
Only Time - Enya
Breathe - Faith Hill
Your Song - Elton John
To Make You Feel My Love - Garth Brooks
The Way I Am - Ingrid Michaelson
I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
Lucky (feat. Colbie Caillat) - Jason Mraz
Carrigdhoun - Captain Mackey's Goatskin and Stringband
Imagine - John Lennon
Give Yourself to Love - Kate Wolf
I Am a Rock - Simon & Garfunkel
Cecilia - Simon & Garfunkel
She's My Kind of Rain - Tim McGraw
It's Your Love - Tim McGraw
Come Away with Me - Norah Jones
No Air - Glee cast
Don't Stop Believin' - Journey
Both Sides Now - Joni Mitchell
Crash Into Me - Dave Matthews Band
Fly Me Away - Annie Little
Godspeed (Sweet Dreams) - Dixie Chicks
I'll Take Care of You - Dixie Chicks

taking inventory

2010-11-21T23:19:00.000-05:00

This is a bit of a housekeeping post, partly for my own purposes, to take stock of where we've been so far and where we're going still in this 2010 Nablopomo adventure. Going on the theme weeks, so far we've made it through Remembrance Week, Cloth Diaper Week and Giving Thanks Week.

During Remembrance Week, I learned that I've got much more to say than I thought about my own personal reasons and methods for remembering. I covered a lot and it turned out to be a week of writing therapy for me. I plan to feature posts on this topic going forward. If you want to catch up on these posts, they can be found here:

remembrance week
how do you handle the stuff?
memorial objects
finding an outlet for the memories
letting greg's memory shine through to others
memorial fund

Next we went on to Cloth Diaper Week, where I got down in writing the answers to many questions I've had asked of me over the last year, as well as lots more information you didn't know you wanted. This is not a topic I plan to feature here often, unless specific issues come up, but there was a lot I wanted to say and this gave me the opportunity to do so. If you want to learn a few things about modern cloth diapering, you can find those posts here:

cloth diaper week
deciding which cloth diapers to use
cloth diaper stash and accessories
logistics and simplistics of cloth diapering
cloth diaper networking and resources

Last week, I told you about something for which I was thankful each day. I would like to continue doing this from time to time here. I think it is uplifting and maybe even therapeutic to pause and be thankful for something, even if it is something silly and trivial. Here are a few of the things I've been thankful for over the past week:

pre-thanksgiving feast
delightful mess
the bookshelf
baby gate
recovery
laundry helper
lending a helping hand

Going into the last full week of November, I'll be celebrating Emmett's birthday, with memories of the last weeks before he was born, favorite pictures from the past year and, of course, his monthly letter on Wednesday. Stay tuned!

lending a helping hand

2010-11-20T19:35:00.000-05:00

I am thankful for cousins who assist with demonstrating birthday toys because the recipient is far too busy with the box.

laundry helper

2010-11-19T23:06:00.000-05:00

I am thankful for help with the laundry. Emmett likes to whip all the clothes out of the washer onto the floor, and is very proud of himself for helping. When I ask him to do the laundry, he goes in to wait at the machines.

This afternoon, I took diapers out of the dryer (with his help, of course), and brought the basket of clean diapers out to the living room. I asked Emmett if he was going to help me fold the laundry. I guess all he heard was the word laundry, because he came over to the basket, grabbed a diaper insert and carried it to the washing machine.

recovery

2010-11-18T22:11:00.000-05:00

I am thankful for the couple of days Emmett got to spend helping Nana recover from her neck surgery, and I am thankful to see the slow and steady improvements in her each day.

baby gate

2010-11-17T23:51:00.000-05:00

I am thankful for the new windowed baby gate at Nana & Poppy's house, which not only provides peek-a-boo entertainment, but also stops Emmett from succeeding at his endless attempts to dive down the stairs.

the bookshelf

2010-11-16T20:10:00.000-05:00

Emmett has his own room at Nana & Poppy's house, with a crib and toys. It used to be Uncle Greg's room, though, and I am thankful for the bookshelf in there, still piled with Greg's treasures, which allows us to help Emmett get to know his uncle.

delightful mess

2010-11-15T22:19:00.000-05:00

I am thankful for this mess, the evidence of an afternoon filled with playtime and laughter.

pre-thanksgiving feast

2010-11-14T22:03:00.000-05:00

We enjoyed our annual Pre-Thanksgiving Feast with friends today. It was good company, good food and worth every second of the hard work. Especially since Mike does most of the cooking!

Really, though, it was fantastic and this has become one of my most favorite annual holiday traditions. We always spend Thanksgiving with family, and this tradition allows us special time to celebrate with friends, too.

This was Emmett's first year of participating in this tradition; he also had the first of three birthday cakes scheduled for the next couple of weeks, and opened his first round of gifts.

I am starting this week's theme of Giving Thanks early. Today, I am thankful for the Pre-Thanksgiving Feast and, especially, for these friends:

emmett says light

2010-11-13T21:56:00.000-05:00

Emmett talks a lot, but I haven't captured iton video before. He was playing this afternoon while I had the camera out and he spotted the light on the front of the camera. Light is his favorite word; he has to always point out every light he sees.

cloth diaper networking and resources

2010-11-12T20:11:00.001-05:00

Once you've decided to use cloth diapers, you may want to wade into the online cloth diaper community. There are countless sources for information, questions, purchasing, swapping, etc. It can be useful, especially if you don't have anyone in your life who is also cloth diapering for tips and support, although it's certainly not necessary. As I said before, cloth diapering is as simple as you make it. However, participating in some of what's out there can also provide fun and giveaways, which is great.

Facebook is a great place to start getting involved. Follow your favorite cloth diaper brands, detergent brands, online cloth diaper stores and cloth diaper blogs. Most, if not all, of these will encourage you to post questions on their wall, start conversations, and they are more than willing to reach out, answer questions and treat customers/readers with respect. It is a great way to find out what solutions there might be to any issues you're having and get ideas. Some of these also post discounts, contests and giveaways. The cloth diaper related pages I follow on Facebook are: Cotton Babies, Diapershops.com, The Cloth Diaper Whisperer, bumGenius, Rockin' Green Cloth Diaper Detergent, Diaper Decisions, Liz Has A Life, All About Cloth Diapers and We want to see cloth diapers in hospitals. If anyone has any others I should know about, let me know!

Diaper Decisions is a website dedicated mainly to cloth diaper businesses, but they have an event going on this month which is fantastic for introducing cloth diapers, called the Great Cloth Diaper Hunt. Participating websites hide an icon somewhere on their websites, which you find, click and it registers each one you find. It's like a diaper scavenger hunt. There are daily prizes and grand prizes, which is great, but it's also a fun way to take a tour of what's out there and get to know the available cloth diapers and accessories.

Kelly's Closet is an online cloth diaper retailer. They have become my favorite place to stock up and try new things, because of their excellent customer service and their frequent discounts. They post on Facebook (as Diapershops.com) coupons and discounts, and very often a code to receive a free one-size cloth diaper with a minimum purchase. For someone just stocking up on diapers, this would certainly lower the overall cost. And for an established cloth diapering parent like me, it is incentive to try a couple of new cute things, and get a free new type of diaper to try along with it.

Babycenter has quite a few community groups/message boards dedicated to cloth diapers, and they also have a Cloth Diaper Swap group. Members can post used diapers and diaper accessories for sale or trade, and they will invoice you through Paypal. I have bought used diapers there a couple times, and it's been a positive experience for me. I think that for the next baby we would try to buy a stash of newborn cloth diapers that way, instead of using disposables at the beginning.

Diaper Swappers is a more mainstream diaper forum and swapping board. I have spent some time browsing the site and I think it's interesting and helpful, but I haven't bought anything or participated much there.

The websites of many of the top diaper and detergent brands often have helpful information, tips and troubleshooting as well, for their particular diapers and for washing and care recommendations.

Natali at Mommy Beta is a CBS correspondent who has agreed to challenge herself to a 30-day cloth diaper trial and experiment, after a very shameful Cloth vs. Disposable diaper wars segment which may as well have been an ad for Huggies and Pampers. The cloth diapering community came out in droves to call her out on it (skim a few of the comments on the video- you'll get the idea very quickly). We commented, explained and asked her to redo the segment after researching the actual truth about cloth diapers. The community asked her to please tell both sides of the story. Most were critical but constructive, but there are always a few ruthless and nasty diaper warriors. But when she agreed to step up and try the cloth diapers, the community responded again- this time with loads of encouragement, advice and support. I look forward to following her journey.

The online cloth diaper community is vast, interesting and I don't think I've even scratched the surface of what's out there. I am continuing to learn and explore, and if you have any favorite cloth diaper sites, resources, blogs, anything, please share!

logistics and simplistics of cloth diapering

2010-11-11T20:27:00.000-05:00

I keep my stash of diapers, stuffed and ready to go, in the top drawer of the changing table/dresser. On top of the table, I keep a brewed mug of chamomile tea, which I use as wipes solution, and a stack of cloth wipes. Next to the changing table, on the wall, there is a hook on which I hang the wet bag for dirty diapers and wipes.

When I change a wet diaper, I toss it in the wet bag and put on a new diaper. When I change a poopy diaper, I set it aside, wipe Emmett, toss dirty wipes in the wet bag, re-diaper and dress him, and set him on the floor. I grab the dirty diaper, spray it off into the toilet with the diaper sprayer, toss it in the wet bag and wash my hands.

Every other day when it's time to wash diapers, I grab the full wet bag, dump it into the washer and toss the bag in after the diapers. I add 1tbsp of Rockin' Green detergent, set my HE front loading washer to do a cold pre-wash, an extra-hot sanitary wash, and 2 cold rinses. I push a few buttons and that's the entire wash cycle. Before we bought the HE washer, I would run a cold wash first, with no detergent, followed by a hot wash with detergent and then a cold rinse.

Rockin' Green detergent has worked brilliantly for us. You have to be careful which detergent you choose for cloth diapers, as anything with additives, like enzymes, dyes, perfumes, bleach, etc. voids the warranty on the diapers. Rockin' Green was developed by a cloth diapering mom for cloth diapers and meets all warranty requirements. It works great and we now use it for all laundry in our house.

When the washer is finished, I toss all the inserts in the dryer and hang up the covers on a clothesline I rigged hanging above my washer & dryer. When everything is dry, I toss it all into a basket, stuff the inserts into the diapers and put them back in the drawer, ready to use.

That's it. It is no more than changing diapers and an extra load of laundry every couple of days. And it's actually my favorite load to do; gathering and putting together the clean fluffy diapers makes me happy. Before I had Emmett, I thought that if I were planning to go back to work, I would not be cloth diapering. I no longer think that. I think it would be just as easy to use cloth diapers if I was working and Emmett was in daycare.

When I'm not at home, the process is not much different. It would be very similar to what a daycare provider would do with cloth. I keep a wet bag with me (a smaller version of the ones I use as a diaper pail), containing clean diapers and disposable wipes in the dry outside pocket. When I change a wet diaper, I just put it into the main sealed pocket of the bag and that's it. If it's a poopy diaper, depending on where I am, I will often just tuck the disposable wipes into the diaper, just as you would with a disposable diaper. If I get to it when I get back home, I'll spray the diaper and toss the wipes. If I don't, and there is still poop there, I'll toss everything in the washer on laundry day and just run an extra cold rinse before the wash cycle. The disposable wipes can stay there; they just come out clean from the washer and I toss them in the garbage then.

In the past year, we have only used disposables for travel once, and that was for a trip to Florida by myself with Emmett in February to see cousins. I chose to travel with disposables partly because I wasn't too sure of packing and traveling with Emmett at 3 months old and partly because my two cousins also use cloth diapers on their kids and I was trying not to put a tax on Maresi's washer with three cloth diapered babies at her house at once!

Aside from that, we have traveled with cloth. We've either had quick overnight or Friday evening - Sunday afternoon trips where we can store the diapers in the wet bag and wash when we get back, or we've traveled to family where we can wash diapers. I keep a bag of detergent at my parents' house, to make it even easier when we're there.

Honestly, I just can't say it enough: cloth diapering is easy. You buy diapers once and you wash and reuse them. It doesn't have to be more complicated than that, but there are certainly choices and questions and issues and there is a huge online cloth diapering community for support and help and fun. Tomorrow I'll tell you what I've learned about this community and what sites and boards are my favorite.

cloth diaper stash and accessories

2010-11-10T22:30:00.000-05:00

Yesterday's post was long and probably a little tedious, so I'll keep today's shorter and more to the point. Cloth diapering is really as simple or as complicated as you make it.

I believe in keeping it simple; it does not have to be difficult or time-consuming. These are the basics you should have to get started with cloth diapering, in my opinion. The list can and will evolve based on your own needs and preferences as you go along, but this is a good guideline.

~At least 24 diapers. I have quite a few more than that, which is great, but 24 is enough. Newborns need to be changed anywhere from 8-12 times a day, and diapers need to be washed every other day.

~A stash of newborn diapers. You can go with disposables for a couple of weeks until the cord falls off, which is what we did. Or you can buy newborn sized cloth diapers (lots of people sell these used, since they're not used very long), which is probably what I would do next time.

~Wipes. I use cloth wipes, homemade flannel little washcloths from my aunt. They are probably similar to these -- http://www.cottonbabies.com/product_info.php?products_id=104 -- but you could use almost any thin cotton washcloth. My pediatrician recommended wiping Emmett's bottom with chamomile tea, when he was tiny and had diaper rash, to help heal it. It worked perfectly and I stuck with it. I keep a stack of wipes (I have probably about 30 or more) and a mug of brewed chamomile tea on the changing table. I just brew a new mug every couple days. For me, it's even easier to use these than to use disposable wipes, because I can throw these right in with the dirty diapers and then they get washed with the diapers. I don't have to have a separate garbage can in there for wipes. Also I do keep small packs of disposable wipes handy for the diaper bag.

~A small stash of thin washcloths (if you don't use cloth wipes - if you do, those can double for this purpose). If you ever need to use diaper rash cream, you have to put a washcloth barrier inside the diaper. The cream stains the cloth diapers and can make them less absorbent. If you just put a thin washcloth in between the baby's skin and the diaper, you can still use diaper cream with cloth diapers.

~A wet bag for the diaper bag, to store dirty/wet diapers when you're out. I like this one by Planet Wise. They have a sealed section for wet/dirty diapers and a separate dry section for clean diapers, extra clothes, wipes, or anything else.

~Diaper pail or wet bag. I bought a regular diaper pail from babies r us (this one) at the beginning and it worked okay. You can just use the plastic bag insert several times before throwing it out and replacing it. The size of the hole to toss the diapers in is a bit awkward and annoying for the cloth, though. A couple months ago I finally ditched that method and bought two of these Planet Wise hanging wet bags, which hang on a hook by the changing table, to use instead of a diaper pail. Two, because that way I can toss the bag in to wash with the diapers every time I do diaper laundry and always have the clean one ready to use.

~Diaper sprayer. I have and like the bumgenius one, but there are lots of brands out there. Hook it up to your toilet's water supply and hang it on the wall. It is a life saver when rinsing out dirty diapers.

~Clothesline or other place to hang up the diaper covers. You can dry them but they hold up better if you hang them up and just toss the inserts in the dryer.

~Diaper detergent. Rockin' Green is my favorite, I am almost a year in and I've never had to strip my diapers (which you can do with small amounts of bleach and Dawn liquid dishsoap if needed, if they really get the stinkies).

Tomorrow, I'll talk about some of the logistics of storing & washing diapers, and what has worked the best for us to keep up the cloth diapering while on the go and while traveling.

deciding which cloth diapers to use

2010-11-09T21:29:00.001-05:00

Once you've decided to use cloth diapers, the choices can be overwhelming. I have tried several different kinds of diapers, and I'll tell you what I think of each of them, but there are many other brands, large and small. There are also lots of other choices to make, such as wipes, diaper sprayer (or not), clean diaper storage, dirty diaper storage, detergent, etc.

Starting with diapers, I'll tell you each type I've used and how I feel about them. This may be too much information for many of you, but I have had lots of people ask me these kinds of questions, so I want to get this all down for reference!

~bumGenius 3.0: These are a one-size pocket diaper with aplix tabs and front-rise adjustable snaps for size settings. They make up the vast majority of my diaper stash, although one by one they are getting tucked away into storage for aplix (the generic name for velcro) tab replacement. Some of my 3.0s have good quality aplix and have held up well, and some are wearing out and already unusable. This is an issue that was resolved in the new version of the diapers, below. Overall, though, these have served me very well. The colors are limited but cute, the inserts are very absorbent, and aside from the aplix issues I'm happy with them.

~bumGenius 4.0: I have five of these; four with snap tabs and one with aplix. The aplix on the 4.0 is far superior to the 3.0, and I have been putting it through the wringer, making sure it gets worn and washed every time I wash diapers. It has not shown any signs of wear in 4 months. I have come to like the snaps more than aplix, though, because Emmett can't take them off. He is always trying to take off the aplix diapers, but he can't undo the snaps. The upgrades in this version of the diaper include better aplix, availability of snaps and more generous sizing to fit chunky babies longer.

~Tweedlebugs: This is a one-size sleeve diaper (like the pocket, except open on both ends) with snaps and front-rise adjustable snaps for size settings. I have one of these, which I got free with an order from Kelly's Closet. The diaper seems not quite as high quality as other pocket diapers I have, but it is definitely one of the roomiest diapers and fits Emmett with loads of room to grow, which is great. It has held up well for about 3 months of use so far. I didn't like the size of the inserts that came with it, so I use bumGenius inserts with this diaper, which works well.

~Happy Heinys: This is a one-size pocket diaper with snap tabs and front-rise adjustable snaps for size settings. I have one of these, which I bought to try after reading on some reviews that they run bigger than some other one-size pockets. The sizing is generous and they have loads of cute colors. The snap system is more cumbersome than some, because there are 4 snaps on each tab (a total of 8 to snap every time you put it on). It can be a little annoying, but the benefit is that you can overlap the tabs, making for much greater potential for size adjustment. This diaper fits Emmett well, has held up very well and I'm happy with it.

~Fuzzibunz: These are one-size pocket diapers with snap tabs. The adjustment system on these is very different from all the others; the elastic at the legs and at the waist is adjustable to change the size of the diaper, without any extra folds and snaps in the front. This makes it by far the trimmest diaper Emmett has, and probably my current favorite. I have five of these right now, with two more (won in a giveaway last week!!) on the way. I bought one new, received one as a free diaper with order from Kelly's Closet, and bought three used on a diaper swapping board. The inserts that came with the original are a good fit and very trim, but I don't think they are as absorbent as the other inserts I have. I sometimes use the bumGenius inserts with them, which fit and work well, but aren't quite as trim. I love these diapers but I am not convinced that they'll fit Emmett all the way to potty training. We'll see.

~Babykicks: I have one babykicks one-size pocket diaper with side snap closure and adjustable front-rise snaps for size settings. It has a hemp insert, and it is built well. I haven't been using this diaper very long, but so far, no complaints. I also have one babykicks organic fitted diaper, which requires a cover on top of it. This diaper is absorbent and works very well, but I don't really like it. It's quite bulky on its own, plus it needs a cover on top of it. I don't use it much.

~Thirsties Duo: I have one size 2 Thirsties Duo cover, which I love. It fits snugly without being too tight and the adjustable snaps and snap tabs are good quality. To go with it, I have three sets of Thirsties Duo inserts, which just lay inside the cover and then it gets snapped onto Emmett. The advantage here is quick change by just tossing the inserts into the wetbag and then laying a new insert in the cover and snapping back on. I don't think poop is quite as easy to clean up with these diapers, but still no big deal.

~Flip: I have one Flip cover but no Flip inserts. I use it with the Thirsties inserts and with the occasional prefold. This cover is built exactly like the bumGenius 4.0 diaper (both made by Cotton Babies) except that it is just a shell.

~Econobum: I have one econobum cover and prefold. I rarely use the cover. While it is certainly functional, it is not quite as sturdy or high-quality as the Flip and Thirsties covers, so it tends to sit at the bottom of the pile. I really like the prefold. I do not use it with pins or snappis; I use it just like any other insert. I fold it in thirds and lay it inside the Flip or Thirsties cover. The Econobum prefolds are soft and absorbent and I may look to add to my stash with a few more of these to use with the diaper covers I like.

Well. That was long-winded and over-informative. I intended to include the other things you need (wipes, accessories, etc.) with this post, but I think I've said enough for one day. I'll be back tomorrow's with that stuff and a discussion of how to store and wash diapers.

cloth diaper week

2010-11-08T21:38:00.001-05:00

After last week, the topic of cloth diapers will hopefully be a lighter topic and we can all take a collective breath and leave behind the tough stuff for now. Not that cloth diapers aren't a bit of a hot-button issue themselves; they certainly are. Those of us who cloth diaper tend to be very passionate about it. We believe in it as a community. We all have our reasons, we all have our methods and our preferences, and we all have people who doubt us, challenge us and laugh at us.

This week, I want to talk about my reasons for using cloth diapers, how to choose and buy them, how to store and wash them, how to be an on-the-go parent while cloth diapering, as well as how to navigate the vast online cloth diapering community. I am going to tell you things that apply to me and my personal experience. They may not match your opinions or methods or whatever, but this is my space and I'm choosing to share my thoughts for anyone who may be interested.

I would love to create a discussion and hear all opinions, but I do not want to foster the divisive bickering that often breaks out in the cloth v. disposable wars. I am not here to judge or criticize, and, for this week, I intend to keep it positive about cloth diapers as opposed to negative about disposables. Everyone knows already, I think, about the billions of disposable diapers, collecting in landfills every year, which by most estimates will not biodegrade for at least 200 years. I will leave it at that and try very hard not to bring up the negatives, as that is always a trigger for nasty diaper wars.

I always figured I would use cloth diapers. I knew I would be staying at home with my children if at all possible, and I was vaguely aware of the fact that cloth diapers did not involve pins and rubber pants anymore. I had not thought it all the way through, but as luck would have it, my cousin Maresi began using cloth diapers on her daughter about six months before I got pregnant with Emmett. She found a cute, well-made, easy to use diapering system (bumGenius), which I will discuss later this week, and it made my decision even easier.

For me, choosing cloth diapers was a no-brainer, and I just figured since I was going to be home anyway, I might as well not be tossing diapers into the garbage. After using cloth for almost a year now, my opinion has evolved and changed. My eyes have been opened, my reasons have expanded and I would never, ever give up cloth diapering, no matter my work situation.

Cloth diapers are stunningly easy to use. Aside from changing diapers, it takes me 15 minutes of work (not including the wash cycle itself, obviously) every other day to wash and fold them.

They are unbelievably cute. The various colors, patterns and styles available are countless. They can be coordinated to outfits, worn with just a t-shirt on hot summer days, and all the cute fluff just makes me happy when I'm folding them all clean and fresh out of the dryer.

We have had fewer than ten poop blowouts in Emmett's 11 months so far, and nearly all of those happened when Emmett wasn't wearing his cloth diapers due to traveling. Emmett has some really sticky, powerful poop that can reach every last far corner of his diapers and yet it is always contained.

Cloth diapers will save money. They will save you even more money if you decide to use cloth before you have a baby and you let other people buy you cloth diapers as gifts, which is what we did. We didn't register for baby gifts (we weren't planning to anyway; we wanted people to do whatever they wanted to for the baby), but we did spread the word that we were planning to use the bumGenius cloth diapers. We got a good part of our stash that way. Either way, though, there are lots of different options, running the full gamut of price, depending on what you want to use. All of the options will save significant amounts of money in the end.

Cloth diapers are good for the earth, as are cloth wipes, which are even simpler to use than disposable wipes when using cloth diapers. I have heard it argued that the detergent used negates cloth diapers' positive environmental impact, but I challenge you to visit Rockin' Green and learn about their environmentally friendly detergent which has kept our diapers fresh and perfect and (nearly) stain-free for almost a year. We like it so much we use it for all of our household laundry.

I truly believe that the reason more people to don't use and appreciate cloth diapers is because they simply aren't aware of what modern cloth diapering is like. I'll do my best this week to share what cloth diapering is like in our house, as well as the tips and tricks I've learned along the way so far. I hope that you'll join me and share your own opinions, tips, tricks and sources for information.

emmett's haircut

2010-11-07T19:24:00.001-05:00

Last weekend, we took Emmett for a haircut. His long baby hair was down to his nose and in his way and he really needed it, though I hated to see the baby hair go! I am so happy with the haircut and he looks like such a little boy now. Here are a few before, during and after pictures.

memorial fund

2010-11-06T22:20:00.000-04:00

I had planned to stick to theme weeks Monday - Friday for the month of November, and keep weekends spontaneous and lighthearted. I learned some things about myself this past week, though, and I've got one more topic on the remembrance week subject for today.

I have a lot more to say about remembrance and memories than I ever realized. So this will not be the end of my discussion of that topic. Today I have one more thing to discuss, and then I will set it aside for now and revisit it after I have some time to think and process and regroup.

A great way to honor and remember someone is to find something that meant a lot to that person and support that thing, whatever it may be. It could be embracing a particular activity or hobby loved by that person. It could be funding research for a cure for a disease or supporting any cause or issue that affected or mattered to the person. It can be any number of ways to continue a legacy, limited only by imagination and creativity.

In my brother's case, he was an outdoorsy guy. He loved hiking, backpacking, camping, kayaking, skiing. He even dabbled in rock climbing and loved it. He was a member of the Appalachian Mountain Club (AMC) and he had big plans to hike the entire Appalachian Trail with his girlfriend, Aggie. She eventually completed this goal, this journey. They had this important goal set together, and she accepted the challenge and she hiked from Georgia to Maine for herself and for him.

My parents, Mike and I chose to honor Greg's memory through his love of the outdoors and for the AMC. We asked family and friends to contribute to The Harry Duren Memorial Fund, through the AMC CT Chapter, which provides scholarships for teenagers to attend wilderness camps and programs. The response was great, and we continue to support that fund and its goals.

The CT AMC took notice of the support, and talked to my family about my brother. They honored his memory with a tribute article to him in their Summer 2008 newsletter, which I shared here.

Recently they acknowledged my family's continued support and approved a renaming of the fund. The following is an excerpt taken from the CT AMC's most recent newsletter:

The Harry Duren and Gregory Simons
Memorial Fund
Donations to the Harry Duren Memorial Fund provide scholarships
to send one or two Connecticut teenagers to AMC’s Summer
Wilderness Adventures in the White Mountains. Over the last few
years the Simons family has made significant contributions to this
fund in memory of Gregory Simons, a young man whose life was
tragically lost several years ago. In recognition of their generosity,
and in remembrance of Greg, the CT-AMC Executive Committee
has approved a name change of this fund to: The Harry Duren
and Gregory Simons Memorial Fund.
The fund is a wonderful tribute to a lost friend or family
member who loved the outdoors. Each of the teenagers who
attend say that their Summer Wilderness Adventure was a
life-changing experience and is one which helps to produce a
future generation of stewards of the outdoors.
I hope you will consider supporting this fund; after all what
better gift can we leave?
Contributions can be sent to: Harry Duren / Greg Simons
Fund, c/o Eric Stones, 72 Sunset Hill Road, Bethel CT 06801.

This is so special to me. It touches my heart to have Greg's memory preserved and honored through helping teenagers connect with nature. Please click here for the full Autumn 2010 AMC in Connecticut newsletter, which includes a couple of letters from kids participated in the AMC's wilderness programs, as well as contact information for donating to the fund (on page 4). My brother would have loved to know he is helping these kids. The importance of connecting with nature meant so much to Greg. Continuing his legacy this way allows his memory to live on and to help others.

letting greg's memory shine through to others

2010-11-05T23:44:00.000-04:00

I said yesterday that I haven't found an answer to the question of what to do with the memories. Not having a good handle on that answer makes it hard to communicate who Greg was to others, including those who never knew him and those who knew him briefly or not very well.

When we moved from the Philadelphia suburbs to Manhattan five months after Greg died, I was very panicky about meeting new people. I did not want to know anybody who did not know my brother. This crippled me for more than a year after moving here, until I started to figure out how to express myself regarding my brother to new friends. It turns out, for me, the best way is to work it into normal conversation the way you would stories of any sibling. I tell stories of Greg when they intertwine with stories of childhood, brothers, siblings, growing up, etc. The biggest hurdles are initial telling of his death, followed by the how. If you think people shy away and clam up when you tell them your little brother is dead, try telling them he died of a heroin overdose. Telling this to almost anyone brings conversation to a screeching halt and, often, personal conversations never start up again.

The few friends that have made it past this hurdle and become close know my brother. They know him through pictures and stories and through seeing the person I am when I talk about him. I am guarded, still, and keep a lot close to my heart. Too much, probably. But it helps. The fear I faced in showing new friends glimpses of my story, his story, our story, has played a vital role in my healing process.

I need to share more and I need to open my heart to allow dormant memories to come to the surface. These small steps, though, the tiny rare moments of showing my raw self to someone who has offered me friendship and support, they are everything.

I haven't addressed my parents' role in the grieving and healing process this week, by my own choosing, because that is another thing I keep private. I don't want to lay out their personal journeys or speak for them here. I have asked my mom for permission to share one thing today, though, which relates directly to what I've just described.

My mom had a group of good friends in high school. Real friends, treasured friends. They lost touch years ago. Long before Greg and I were even born, let alone Greg's death. Through the wonders of Facebook, she found them again last spring and the friendships have opened up again. She even went with her sister Jeanne to gather with a few of their friends in person a few months ago, and they laughed and bonded and behaved like schoolgirls again. It has been wonderful for her, at least in my humble opinion.

But she has had to face the discussions of Greg's life and death. The friends keep in touch through Facebook messaging, and her inbox is always full with her former classmates' updates and catching up. A friend recently mentioned her daughter's battle with and victory over addiction.

This puts her in a position I have been in many times. The position of being both genuinely happy for this person and simultaneously angry and hurt for yourself. You want to respond appropriately, without diminishing your own experiences or theirs.

Eventually, she responded with this: "When my son, Gregory, died from an overdose of heroin, I wondered why God did not answer my constant prayers to keep him safe and sound. Then I realized that God is keeping him safe and sound."

finding an outlet for the memories

2010-11-04T20:26:00.000-04:00

We discussed what to do with the stuff, and that part was easy. The stuff can be controlled, sorted and compartmentalized, giving you a sense of conquering your feelings. But the real, intangible emotions, feelings and memories are slippery and complicated; figuring out what to do with these is much harder. I really don't have the answers to this one. I've tried a few things, struggled with some decisions, and ultimately it is still a big tangled jumble in my head.

Immediately after Greg died, I was surrounded 24/7, physically and emotionally, by family. I have 18 first cousins, every last one of whom dropped everything and showed up for me. For all of us, of course, but invaluably, forcefully, for me. I did not have to make any decisions about the memories because they flooded forth from my cousins, surrounding me with love and memories and, believe it or not, laughter. They kept me going and without them, I do not know what would have happened to me that week.

Let me just pause one moment here to say that I do not devalue the amazing solid rock that Mike was for me and for my parents and family, as well as the support of my aunts & uncles and friends. It was all key in getting me through.

I make no secret, though, of the fact that my cousins saved my life that week, kept me grounded, allowed me to cry and scream and yell and talk and laugh and weep. Some of them, particularly, shared almost every moment with me that week, and because of them, the good, happy memories shone through the pain, starting even from right after Greg died.

Later that year, I tried writing in a journal. I carried it around with me and when a memory hit me that I wanted to hold on to, I wrote it in the journal. It was sporadic and unnatural, though. It didn't feel right or comfortable. I kept on with it for a few months, but eventually gave up and I'm sure it's still around here somewhere but I don't even know where it is right now.

As I waded through the grief process and tried to sort out the right place for the memories, I felt a lack of focus, a lack of support, a lack of outlets and people who understood; I have discussed this before. Though I know there was so much love for me, I often felt isolated in my grief. I struggled with the decision of whether to seek out a grief group or a therapist. I soon abandoned the idea of a grief support group, because I had support. I had people holding me up. What I didn't have was someone who understood my situation and my kind of loss. Someone to truly understand what it means to be not an only child.

I eventually abandoned the idea of seeing a therapist, too, and I'm still not entirely sure that was the right decision, but it's the decision I made. Around the time I abandoned that idea, I started this website. It has served, in its own way, as a healing therapy for me. It has done wonders for me and I really enjoy spending time here. Like the journal, though, I don't find it a comfortable place to share and store memories most of the time.

And so the memories float around, without a specific outlet or landing pad. When something triggers a memory of Greg, it is usually just a wispy, foggy thing, sometimes even just a feeling or emotion or sense of deja vu without a concrete memory. These types of memories are very personal for me. It is rare that I share them; they are mine. I usually share memories and experiences relating to my brother only when they fit naturally into conversation.

I make an effort to chat to Emmett about his Uncle Greg, but it is definitely an effort. When one of those fleeting memories is triggered while Emmett and I are home, I try to drag it out into consciousness and talk to him about it. It is very difficult, but also feels a bit therapeutic to me, and I want it to become more natural to talk out loud to Emmett about Greg. It is important to me that Emmett knows his uncle through stories and pictures. It is a step in the right direction for me, I think.

memorial objects

2010-11-03T10:06:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I mentioned that I categorize remembering my brother Greg into stuff and memories. Those two things are not mutually exclusive, as the stuff is intertwined with the memories, but they are two separate issues for me. So I started with the stuff. I didn't really discuss that initial need to go through and sort and deal with the stuff right after a death -- that is a separate thing entirely and usually waded through by a survival instinct.

I am focusing more on the stuff you save- how to use it, store it or display it to help yourself remember and to grow and heal. I have a couple of items made by Christine, a family friend, using items belonging to Greg. They are some of my most favorite things. They were made for me, and I can use them for my own purposes, but they are made from his things and provide the prompts to keep Greg alive in my heart.

The first is a bracelet, made using three beads from Greg's necklace. Christine added pretty beads and created something lovely I can wear when I have a tough day or when I need to feel close to Greg.

The second is a bag, also made by Christine. It's an all-purpose bag, perfect for carrying laptop and lunch back and forth to work (when I used to do such things), toting books to the library,carrying a few diapers, change of clothes and a snack. I actually use it as a purse on and off, and am doing so right now. It makes me happy. The painting and the choice of fabrics are beautiful, original, and done for me. But Greg's things are there too. Two more beads from the necklace are attached to the front of the bag, just below the straps. The inner denim lining of the straps, the denim on the bottom of the bag, and the denim pocket inside the bag are from a pair of Greg's jeans.

Lastly, I want to mention one other treasured memory object we have. This one is in memory of our nephew Noah, who died five years ago at 11 months old. His parents, Andi & Mike, had this memory bear made for us by Joe's Memory Bears. It is made from a blanket of Noah's, and we keep it on a shelf in Emmett's room, where we can tell him stories about his cousin and eventually share with him the meaning of the bear and the memories of Noah.

Dedicating specific objects as memorial things helps me deal with the stuff. I do still struggle with it, and there are a few things of Greg's, or things that remind me of Greg, that float around my house from place to place with no real home, but I'm not willing to get rid of them. The number of things like this seems to dwindle slightly over the years, but having special things and a special place for some of his things is reassuring.

Do you have any dedicated memorial objects? How do you use stuff to keep memories alive?

how do you handle the stuff?

2010-11-02T09:08:00.000-04:00

Setting aside the grief and the sadness and the loss itself, there are basically two categories of things that need to be dealt with: the stuff and the memories.

It is obviously much more complicated than that, but I've never seen it broken down and discussed this way, and it's something that makes a lot of sense to me. Today and tomorrow we're going to talk about what to do with the stuff. Thursday and Friday we'll talk about what to do with the memories. This is all very personal, and may not make sense for everyone, but no single answer or point of view will make sense for everyone.

Dealing with the stuff belonging to Greg is something I had to face, and something I still face, but in a much smaller way than my parents did. He lived in their house and they had to deal with all of his day to day things, as well as everything he'd collected, saved, worn and used over the years. So my experience is not the same as theirs, is not the same as yours, is not the same as anyone's.

In my house, I had a few notes and cards he wrote to me, pictures, a couple of books of his, gifts he had given me, and that's about it. But as my parents went through their own struggle with his stuff, they gave me some things, and I asked for some things.

It is very hard to find the right balance. If you keep too much stuff, you face an inability to move forward, and can get stuck in the past without enough room to grow and heal. If you don't keep enough stuff, it can create a raw hole where everything slips away too fast and it feels like one of those falling dreams, the one where you fall and fall and fall and never land.

As of right now, I have some pictures around, I have a few of Greg's favorite books on my bookshelves, I have a note he wrote to me on my fridge. I have a box of various mementos on the shelf in my closet, where I can go look at it anytime I want, but I don't have to encounter it daily. I also have a couple of dedicated memorial objects, which are among my most prized possessions. I'll show them to you tomorrow.

remembrance week

2010-11-01T08:00:00.001-04:00

Today marks the beginning of National Blog Posting Month, as well as a new beginning for this website. I am committed to publishing here every day for the month of November, in an effort to find my voice again. In order to try and motivate myself and stay organized, I've decided to structure each week of November with a theme. This week, November 1-5, is Remembrance Week. I've chosen to start with Remembrance Week because it's the reason I started this blog in the first place. To figure out how to remember and how to share and how to still be me after my brother died. It was never just about remembering or about my brother, but it was always about who I have become after his death and how it has reshaped me and how I am forever changed but also still the same.

The passing of time has not changed that. I am still the same but I will also never be the same. It is a direct contradiction and yet is is the truth. Four years, 7 months after his death and I have done a lot of healing and growing but sometimes the harsh reality of Greg's death still cripples me mentally and physically. Unremarkable things catch me, bring back a memory or remind me of how close siblings can be - of how close we were - and I'm frozen. I can't think, can't move, can barely breathe. Can't imagine how I can go on without him.

Those moments are fleeting, now.

I recover more easily from them, drag myself out of the quicksand and center myself back into life.

But they do happen. And I think they always will.

There are tricks to deal with these feelings and continue on. I use them consciously and unconsciously. Sometimes I voice them and sometimes I keep them close to my heart. They are things that remind me of how much love and friendship I shared with my brother. Things that remind me of how much love surrounded us as he dealt with his addiction and as he eventually lost that battle. Things that remind me of what he would have wanted for me and ways that I can honor his memory.

I use these tricks and stories and memories, and sometimes physical things, to keep Greg's memory alive, to go on with my life and be happy, but also to remember. To grow and change and live, and to be different and changed and forever altered but also the same.

it is entirely possible that this only appeals to my mom

2010-10-30T10:32:00.001-04:00

This video is long and fairly uneventful, but I think it's super cute the way Emmett sits on the floor and feeds himself his afternoon snack.

eleven months

2010-10-24T09:36:00.006-04:00

Dear Emmett,

Today you are eleven months old, and you have the distinct honor of celebrating your day with Pappy, whose birthday is today. Pappy gave you eleven dollars for your piggy bank to celebrate your eleven months. You promptly ripped the ten dollar bill in half and Daddy had to tape it up. We went out to breakfast with Mimi and Pappy to celebrate and you enjoyed applesauce, blueberries, pancakes, waffles and strawberries. You are such a good eater and can eat almost anything off our plates now. You're working on mastering the fork, and you clap for yourself when you succeed on getting bites into your mouth with it.

You took your first steps on October 7th, and I was lucky enough to catch it on video. You turned around and grinned at me, so proud of yourself. You're still not walking fully independently, but you take 5-6 steps at a time on your own. Your classes at the Little Gym every week are helping with this- you love to play and run there, and being around the other kids makes you want to keep up with them.

Words are pouring out of your mouth. Your favorite word is "light" and we have to point out every light, everywhere we go. I am no good at keeping track of them and writing them down, so I'll attempt to list as many of your words as I can think of here: light, up, duck, kitty, clock, please, more, out, sshhh, juice, heart, ball, bottle, book, bye-bye, Poppy, daddy, eyes, socks, shoes. I know there are more; you repeat things all the time, but those are the most commonly used. Some are clearer than others, but you get your point across. I started baby sign language with you months ago, but I've mostly given up on it. You're so vocal, you just say what you want to say. We do still do the sign alphabet whenever we sing the alphabet song, and you try to copy some of the letters.

You are such a typical boy in some ways- anything with wheels fascinates you. If you can roll it, drive it, ride it or crash it, you want it. Daddy found a ride-on fire truck by the dumpsters and we took it home, scrubbed it and put batteries in for the lights and sounds. You push it all over the house, turn it over to spin the wheels, and ride it while pushing the buttons to hear the sirens.

In other ways, though, you are so unique and full of unexpected personality. You're developing a sense of humor as you experiment to find out what makes us laugh. You clap your hands or shriek to crack yourself up. You think it's hysterical to run away from us so we'll chase you, but then as soon as we follow, you run toward us instead because you're so excited to be caught.

You listen always and absorb so much. I never know what will catch your interest and stick to that ever-expanding little mind. Clocks are so interesting, and always require study and investigation. Lions in your books or on your bibs or toys make you cackle and start roaring the cutest little roar ever. Music always makes you stop and dance. The sight of a door, any door, makes you race toward it, waving and saying "bye-bye."

If I ask you to go get in your high chair, or go find your ball, or go get a book, or come here please, or clap your hands or roar like a lion, you listen. This is probably the most fun development this month. I can say so many things, countless things, to you and you understand and respond. You know where you keep your pumpkin and you know how to turn on the flashlight and you know what I mean when I ask you to please stop copying your fingers on the printer/copier and you know to go in the bathroom and take off your socks when I tell you it's bath time. Although I should expect by now that you'll understand much of what I say, it still catches me by surprise when you respond to something I didn't realize you knew.

Keep surprising me. It's the best part of being your mother.

Love,
Mama

gearing up

2010-10-18T18:02:00.002-04:00

I know I have been absent around this place for a while. I am gearing up for NaBloPoMo in November, and plan to dedicate the time for a post every day next month.

In the meantime, I came across this post today on Liz Has A Life, and I can't help sharing it. If you use disposable diapers, consider cloth if you can. She makes an excellent case and puts into words the way I feel about the issue.

If you use daycare, check their policy and check the state laws. New Jersey, for instance, has a law in place that daycare centers must follow the diapering norm of each child. If your daycare center won't cooperate for any reason, part-time cloth diapering works for many people.

I am trying to share my opinion, and I feel very strongly about it, but I do not want to be pushy and annoying. I do have some tips and information I will post later, but I will leave it at that for today.

excuse me while i climb onto my soapbox for a minute

2010-10-02T16:28:00.003-04:00

I just walked over to the grocery store to pick something up that we forgot earlier. Outside the store, a car went by, driving toward the exit, with four people in it. I glanced over again and realized a woman in the backseat was holding a very small baby (less than 3 months) up on her shoulder. I walked very slowly, watching them, hoping I was going to be wrong and they were about to strap the baby into a car seat. I couldn't tell if there was a seat in the middle or not. I waited. As they moved along, she wrapped a blanket around the baby, then lifted it up to her face for a moment, and settled it back onto her shoulder. They moved along toward the exit.

I started to feel nauseous and my vision got all funny around the edges the way it does when I'm so angry I can't function. I pulled it together and jotted down the make, model & license plate number. I looked around for cops, as there are often a few around that area, and of course, there were none to be found. Halfway home, though, I knew there was a traffic cop due to some construction. I crossed the street halfway to talk to him and explained everything. He was as horrified as I was, and he gave me the direct number for the police dispatch.

I called the dispatch, explained everything and gave them my name and number. She said they would put out a notice for all cars in the area to watch for them.

At least five minutes had passed, maybe more, so I hold little hope that they will actually catch these people. But I am still angry and wish that I could do something about it.

If you choose not to wear your seat belt, it's a stupid thing to do, but that's your choice. You are deciding to be ignorant of safety. Babies, though, they don't get to decide. They rely on us to keep them safe. Please keep them safe. I am literally begging you. Put your children in car seats.

ten months

2010-09-24T16:50:00.008-04:00

Dear Emmett,

Today you are 10 months old, and I find myself staring at a blank screen, unsure what to say. You are smart, funny, observant, creative and mischievous. Growing and developing happens so fast, every day, in so many different areas and directions and skills. It's too hard to define them all here in one letter any longer. I'll do my best to share the things that stand out most about you right now.

Your language is developing so quickly, at such a young age. You have been saying up, kitty and light regularly. As of yesterday, you've added duck and clock. You use mama and dada correctly, as well as baba, for bottle, and shhh for shoes and for sheep.

Even more exciting, though, is your comprehension. You understand so many words and phrases, follow simple instructions and point your finger to answer simple questions. You point to lights, people, each painting on the wall of your room. You sit down and stand up when I ask you to do so. Most of the time. You go chasing after the cat with glee, saying kitty ("itteh! itteh!") when I ask you where she is, much to the cat's dismay. Upon request, you point to your nose, mouth and toes, or mine, and you'll rub noses with me if I ask you to. You understand "no" and will usually stop whatever you're doing when I tell you no.

You have a penchant for ignoring my "no" when you discover certain destructive and fun activities, such as unrolling the toilet paper, knocking over the speakers and, my particular favorite, racing over to the cat food dish, grabbing a handful and flinging it across the room. This has become somewhat of a game to you. I can see you going for it and you know I'm going to stop you, so you crawl as fast as your little knees can go (which is surprisingly fast), racing to get there first so you can fling a handful before I get there.

You love clocks, seeking them out wherever we go. I keep a plastic wall clock within your reach in your room, and you will hold it in your lap and look at it. There are very few things that keep you in one place, but you will sit still and study the clock.

Reading still makes you happy, although you insist on turning the pages yourself very enthusiastically. Storybooks with thin paper pages are not in our repertoire unless I'm reading to you while you're off playing, as we would like to keep the pages in the books. For now, we'll stick with the board books.

Napping and sleeping at night are so much better. You still sometimes scream at naps, but you settle down and go to sleep in 5-10 minutes. Most days, you'll sleep an hour and a half in the morning and an hour in the afternoon. As you learned to settle yourself to sleep a few weeks ago, you gave up the pacifier. Just like that. One day, you were no longer interested and now you want nothing to do with it.

We are working more finger foods into your diet. You enjoy whole grain vegetable pasta pieces, sliced bananas, pizza crust and small bits of pizza. Fruit mixed with yogurt is your favorite food, though.

You are up to five teeth. Three new ones have come in on top; we are still waiting on the top right middle tooth. Today at lunch, you got a piece of freeze-dried strawberry stuck on your bottom teeth, which you found confusing and funny. I helped you get it free, but you kept rubbing your tongue against those teeth, trying to figure out what happened. After dinner every night, I brush your teeth. This makes you giggle, and you love to help brush.

You are so mobile now, cruising on furniture, walking while holding hands and balancing standing up all by yourself. You have started to play games. You love to crawl or run (cruising on furniture) away from Daddy and me, trying to get us to chase you, grab you & tickle you. This usually causes hysterical laughter, resulting in stumbling and falling with all of us in a big giggling pile on the floor. Daddy and you play a game when he gets home from work every day, which makes your whole body shake with glee. You chase him, screech in his face, he screeches back in your face, and this goes on and on until you're laughing so hard you've got the hiccups and can hardly breathe.

Every day, so many new things. I am soaking them up and cherishing them. Thank you for the constant laughter and discovery, and for keeping me on my toes.

Love,
Mama

house shopping

2010-09-19T19:53:00.003-04:00

Mike and I have spent a little time looking at open houses. We have no idea yet whether we can even afford to do this right now, but we're getting an idea of what's out there so that we can make an informed decision. It's a buyers' market now, at least that's what they tell me, so we're going to see if we can maybe try to do it. See if maybe we can get Emmett a yard and a swing set. And if maybe we can get a few extra rooms so that family & friends can come and stay and gather and be comfortable. The sticker shock on houses where we're looking is kind of insane, though, so we have to do a lot of thinking on our own and talk to a mortgage broker and see where we end up.

We spent the afternoon today looking at houses while Emmett stayed home with his godparents. We were able to see about 7 houses, in various neighborhoods and price points. I do feel as if I have a better idea of what you get for your money, which is important. But mostly we both feel a little shell-shocked. The houses all start to run together and we have forgotten which house had that cute bathroom, which one had the weird shared driveway and which one had that dingy little student apartment in the basement.

House shopping is exhausting. Even when you're not serious about it yet (and may not be anytime soon) and you're just looking to see what's out there. Even when you're not dragging around the small child who wants to crawl everywhere and touch everything. It is draining and confusing and hectic and overwhelming.

thinking

2010-09-02T11:15:00.003-04:00

Life is busy these days. I run a family now. I spend so much of my energy trying to keep us fed, in clean clothes, with clean floors to play on, and generally happy. It's the best kind of work, and it's very consuming.

I think about my brother less these days. But I don't think it's a bad thing. When I do think of him, it's good memories and stories. It's things I will always remember and it's stories I will tell Emmett one day.

It's less time spent with conscious thoughts of him, but deeper, richer memories. He's by my side when I'm consciously remembering, but maybe even more so when I'm not.

nine months

2010-08-24T19:29:00.004-04:00

Dear Emmett,

We have been so busy traveling and having adventures this month, which turns out to be an excellent metaphor for your development at nine months. You are so, so busy. The difference is so drastic between eight and nine months. You were starting to move and explore at eight months, but now you are fast and you're unstoppable. You crawl - fast - and pop right back into sitting position to check out whatever's around you. Then you grab onto the nearest surface above your head so you can stand up and cruise around. Countless items in your reach have been relocated or destroyed. Everything in our apartment is slowly raising up out of your path.

Naptime is awful these days. I won the naptime battle after a day or two of hysterical crying followed by good naps. But then two days later you figured out how to sit up on your own, and how to stand up in the crib and that was it. We've had marathon sessions of you in your crib, in constant motion and with lots of whining and crying interspersed with playing, but no sleeping. I've given in and started rocking you to sleep at naptimes. I love this so much -- almost as much as I know I'm going to regret it later when I have to break that habit. But snuggling with your head burrowed into my neck while I rock you to sleep is such a great pleasure for me. The moments you spend curled up in my lap are so few and far between, so that is such a special treat.

Nighttime sleeping is still good, with the occasional very early wakeup, and infrequent screaming from dreams or teething where we have to soothe you back to sleep. Your top teeth are so close; I can feel them right there, and the gums over them are starting to get very thin. You've had some cranky days with the teething, but aside from that you are still such a happy baby and so adaptable.

You've had no choice but to be adaptable, really. In your ninth month, you have traveled to NH for a week on a lake, to VT for a family reunion weekend, to PA for cousin Alli's 2nd birthday party, and to CT with Latreash and Jay for a few days at Nana & Poppy's house, which is where we are as I write this. You are upstairs with Poppy, having your bottle and settling down for bed, while your playmates for the day are in the playroom watching TV and settling in for a night of hanging out and probably very little sleeping. Ian, Devon, Zachary and Jay have been entertaining you and having fun with you. And you love the attention of the big boys.

You started crawling before we went to PA for Alli's party, but you really took off trying to keep up with her. She loved playing with you and ordering you around. She was telling you what to do every minute and didn't quite get why you weren't following her every command. You copied her, though.

You copy everybody. It's so amazing how fast you pick things up. At 8 months, 1 week, you were sitting on the floor and held your hands out to me. I asked if you wanted to stand up, and grabbed your hands, You stood up and then you said, "up." We were so surprised, and weren't sure if you really said it, but then you told us "up" three more times that day. You now say it maybe once a day or so. No other new words yet, but I'm sure they are coming soon!

You give kisses by imitating with a little lip smacking sound. You cluck your tongue. You blow raspberries. You clap. You wave. You pick up blankets in front of your face and then whip them away with an enormous grin, playing peek-a-boo with me. Your favorite game is for me to throw a blanket over your head and say "Where's Emmett?" upon which you delightfully pull it off to show me where you are.

Your appetite is ferocious and you love almost everything, especially what comes off our plates. Bits of fruit, vegetables, meat, bread, anything. You love it all and you love to feed yourself. Pizza crusts are so good for chewing on that you scream in fury when they're taken away before you're finished.

I didn't expect the tantrum phase to start this early, but oh, wow, you hate to be told no. When I repeatedly tell you no to climbing up on the tv stand and knocking over the speakers, you get so mad your whole body shakes. You listen, though. You usually stop what you're doing but not without a little tantrum moment and an alligator tear just for good measure.

Those tears turn to grins and giggling so easily, though, and you can always turn around my tired, impatient mood with just one belly laugh. The hugs, kisses, curling up with a book, and silly moments are what really mark your nine month development. The joy you carry everywhere you go is contagious and healing.

With endless love and laughter, you make me a better person.

Love,
Mama

sibling grief support

2010-08-06T09:10:00.002-04:00

About a year ago, I had an idea for a website. Somewhere, on a notepad probably collecting dust in some drawer around here, I even spent a bus ride sketching out what the format and content would look like. I put out feelers with a few people and got a positive response and offers to help. It was a good idea. A very good idea. And then life took over. My sick and tiring pregnancy kept me busy, and then Emmett arrived and, well, I guess that's my excuse. But it isn't a good excuse, because this idea, it needs and deserves my attention.

Sibling grief gets very little support. There are a few local support groups out there for young kids who have lost siblings, mostly focused on illness and disease. The Compassionate Friends is the only national grief resource I know of that has any focus on sibling grief, but it is minimal. Their focus is on parents whose children have died, and they do great work in that area. Some of their chapter locations have sibling groups in addition to parent groups. Their website has a few resources to read, and a chat room available. I participated in the chat a few times, about a year after Greg died, but it was so unstructured, awkward, and focused on very recent loss only that it didn't really work for me.

I am not trying to put all of us who have lost siblings into a box, because all experiences and grief processes are vastly different, but there is one common factor I have found to be true for many of us: We do not grieve loudly. We know that our parents have lost a child, and that is so profoundly awful that we can't compete with that. We want to be there for them, we want to be the pillar of strength and show that we can not only handle it, but we can get everyone else through it, too. We want to stay out of the way and not fall apart because we don't want to make it any worse for them. This is, of course, all in our heads, but it feels very real.

So we suffer quietly. I suffered quietly for a long time. I am blessed with a family so large and so loving that I was surrounded by people who were there for me in amazing ways. I would not have survived it without them. But I still suffered quietly, because they couldn't understand all of the whirling, deep emotions I was saddled with.

I longed for an online place I could take that grief, somewhere semi-anonymous, where I could find people who understood. I found an online friend, Liz, who understood. Her brother died, too, which is so awful, but we shared that experience. We knew the things not to say to each other, the things we had both heard SO many times, all the It will be okay, you'll see and the I know how you feel and the Time will heal and all of the trite, ridiculous, well-meaning things people say to you when they are at a loss of how to help you. We put all that aside, and we got to know each other, and we just said: "I understand." And that was enough. That was so healing, I don't even know how to put it into words.

It is my idea, my dream, to put in place a website to fill the void of sibling grief support. I want it to be for all ages and for anyone who has experienced the death of a sibling, whether it was yesterday or 50 years ago. I want it to be interactive and always changing, never stale or outdated. I want it to have a few main authors who blog there as they please, about their own experiences. I want guest writers and contributors to have a place they can share. I want to compile resources and have information pages where those who have lost siblings can read about how others handled certain aspects of grief. I want a question and answer resource where anybody reading can ask any of us about anything they want, publicly or anonymously. I want chats devoted to specific topics and issues. I want everybody who spends some time there for support and is comfortable with doing so to send us a picture and a story about their brother or sister who died so we can post them all.

I dream big about this website. I dream even bigger about nobody needing this website. But since I can't control that, I will have to deal with what is in my control.

There is one definite problem: I have no earthly idea how to create a real website not designed and hosted by Blogger. I don't know html or any kind of other necessary codes and whatnot, and honestly, when I've tried to spend time figuring it out, my eyes immediately glaze over.

I am still very much in the idea stage of this website, but I do not want to let it go this time. So if you are someone who wants to help or contribute, please let me know. And if you are someone who finds this post by googling for sibling grief support and you could use a website like this, please tell me. Leave a comment or send me an email. Help me keep this conversation going so that one day I can make it a reality.

mila's daydreams

2010-08-02T10:57:00.003-04:00

Can I just tell you how much I adore this website I found recently? It's called Mila's Daydreams, and it's a photo blog run by a mom on maternity leave. She sets up scenes around her daughter while she sleeps, imagining what she might be dreaming about, and takes photos. I can't get enough of it.

I will have a few vacation photos later this week, as we just got back from a week on a lake in NH. But Emmett has been a bit of a wretched child this morning (took me just over an hour to get him down for his nap) and I'm exhausted. So I've been looking at Mila's Daydreams, reminiscing about when Emmett used to sleep anywhere and all the time, and enjoying all the sweet, imaginative pictures.

eight months

2010-07-24T00:30:00.002-04:00

Dear Emmett,

During your eighth month, you have discovered that there is a world around you to be explored. There are chairs and couches and pillows and tables to climb. There are kitchens full of food you'll wrestle me to get. There are cats to be chased after and electrical cords to eat. There is a mama and daddy, not to mention grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles and friends to hug and climb and steal food away from. There are block towers to knock over and toys to pick up and bang against everything you can reach. There are specks of dust on the floor which must be inspected, and there are countless unexpected things on which to fall and hit your head.

In other words, you are in motion and, so help me, not to be deterred. Stopping you when you've got your eye on something these days is not unlike trying to pick up the wind and stuff it away in a closet.

For several weeks now, you've been scooting a little bit on your butt, rolling around and scooting backwards on your belly to get places. Which was minimally effective and easily contained. But now, NOW, you have figured out how to go forward. It's not actually a crawl, but you get up into crawling position and use your arms to lunge forward. You flop onto your belly and start all over again. It doesn't look like much, until I turn my back for ten seconds only to discover you've gotten over to the cord for your baby monitor and you're trying to fit the whole thing inside your mouth.

You're quick with that little lunge-shuffle-crawl. And so we broke down and did it. We bought you a baby jail. If my sanity is to be maintained, it had to be done. It's a six-sided plastic fence, about as tall as you are right now. It's pretty sturdy, enough so that you can stand up holding onto it. You like to play on the floor in there, and pull yourself up and stand at the edge, looking around. So far, you seem to like it, but I don't think you've noticed yet that you're trapped.

You're taking two naps a day, though you often fight them hard. I put you in your crib, rub your back, sing a song or two, and then leave you. Sometimes you settle down, but much more often you scream. You scream loud and hard and mad. And I let you, for ten minutes. After ten minutes, you've usually either worn out and gone to sleep or you've got yourself worked up in such a crazy froth that you're even more exhausted so that when I go in to settle you back down, you'll let me and you'll go to sleep. You're still sleeping well at night, going to bed around 8. You often wake up between 5:30 - 6am, which is mildly unpleasant but tolerable, given that you go to bed well and sleep through the night.

I think the most fun we've had this month has been your discovery of creative play. Peekaboo makes sense to you now, and you sometimes hide your face and then peek out at me, so you can get in on the joke, too. You learned to clap a couple weeks ago, and will often do it on command when I say "YAY!" You're starting to wave hi; you'll do it in the mirror at yourself, or to me, but you look at me like you've never seen me before in your life when I try to get you to wave to anyone else. You blow raspberries constantly, all day long.

You laugh at everything when you're in a good mood. You laugh long and silent with a goofy grin, or you laugh a crazy gasping laugh, or a real belly laugh all the way down to your toes. Singing is funny, the cats are funny, the washer & dryer are funny, jumping and bouncing and tickling are hysterical. Faces, teeth, tongues, babies, phones, light switches and balls are fall-off-your-chair-can't-breathe funny and require much investigation.

It is pure joy rediscovering the world by your side. Keep teaching me, Emmett, I'm watching and listening and learning right here with you.

Love,
Mama

steak

2010-07-19T09:36:00.003-04:00

When Mike and I cook and eat steak at home, it looks like this.

homeless shelter

2010-07-02T10:05:00.006-04:00

I have started a major overhaul of our apartment. I am cleaning and purging. I haven't gotten very far yet, but I have done the master bathroom (which resulted in a lot more purging than you might think, from the dark depths of the cabinet) and our closet and dressers.

From this project, we have already filled eight garbage bags with items for donation. Mostly clothes, some shoes, and a few other random items (wristwatch, extra sewing basket, etc.). The things were mostly mine, but also several of Mike's shirts, shorts and shoes, as well as a small pile of baby things that we decided not to save.

We had planned to donate these eight bags to Goodwill. We always donate to Goodwill, mostly because it convenient and easy. It has become our default place to donate. They take everything off our hands and we feel better about ourselves for giving stuff to a good cause instead of throwing it away.

When I mentioned this to a friend, she suggested donating to Haiti relief, instead. She knew of a few places by her house that were still taking donations, and it would go directly to people in need. I searched for a place in my area to donate for Haiti, with no luck. But it got me thinking. Instead of donating to Goodwill, where the clothes are marked up and sold, why not donate directly to a shelter? Maybe I couldn't get the clothing shipped directly to Haiti, but there are people here with a great need, too.

I looked up homeless shelters in Jersey City. Found one nearby, and called. The woman who answered the phone was very appreciative, and said I could drop clothes off anytime. This shelter is a transitional residence, a drop-in shelter, a family shelter, and they provide meals and clothes.

We packed up five bags of donations for the shelter, leaving three bags of less practical and non-seasonal clothing, as well as non-clothing, and brought those to Goodwill. Mike, Emmett and I packed up the car and drove the bags over. We took the baby and a couple of bags out of the car, and were met with a few of the residents sitting on the steps, who jumped up to help carry bags inside. They carried the bags in for us, and they were very sweet to Emmett. He cooperated with smiles and giggles for them.

The volunteers inside were very happy to have the donations. They gave us a donation form and we were on our way, passing by the residents for goodbyes on our way out.

As soon as we have more things to donate, you can be sure I'll be right back on their doorstep. I'm not saying Goodwill isn't a cause worth supporting. I know they do good things, and I will continue to donate certain things there. But there is a lot of demand at homeless shelters, where donations go directly to the people who need the help. If you have any clothing you're finished with, and need a place to get rid of it, please remember this need and look up your local homeless shelter.

seven months

2010-06-24T21:14:00.008-04:00

Dear Emmett,

Today you are seven months old. Your changes in the last month have been so extraordinary, it's almost as if there was an invisible barrier holding you back, and it was lifted at six months. Your will is strong and displayed often. If you want something, you go after it. You reach for it, you scoot toward it, you pick it up, you try to fit it in your mouth. Even if it's the dryer. Or the bathtub. If you want me, you reach for me. If you don't want me, you push me away. If you don't know what you want, you do both at the same time.

If you are sitting and you want to stand, you hold your arms out and shake them excitedly until I give you my fingers to hold so you can pull yourself up. If it's over 90 degrees outside and the little bits of water you're getting from the end of a straw are not enough, you claw your way to the bottle until we let you take regular sips. If Nana is on the phone talking to you on speaker, you wrestle me with all your little might to get your hands on that phone. If I'm feeding you the smoothie we often share for breakfast with a spoon, you whine and holler at me until I let you drink out of a cup like I do.

There are so many new kid things you are doing all at once, I find myself studying you. I am trying to commit to memory all the sweet baby things you do so I won't forget. Like your little baby yawn. Already you are starting to yawn more often like a kid instead of like an infant. I am trying to memorize the way you wrinkle your little nose in anticipation when you are about to start drinking a bottle. And the way your little hand grips my thumb so tightly while you eat. You are capable of holding your own bottle, but you'd much rather hold my hand.

I want to remember that when we are playing on the floor, you will suddenly drop your toy and reach for me, to make sure I'm still right there. I won't forget the way you cross your ankles and rub your feet together when you're sitting in the stroller. Or the way you always grab your toes when you're on the changing table.

You are growing up right in front of my eyes, and it is so exciting. A few days ago, you learned to pick up the Cheerios off your highchair tray by yourself and then feed yourself. You grinned ear to ear the first time you got it right; you were so proud. I grinned, too. I was so proud.

Though this month has been so exciting, it has also had its rough patches. About two weeks ago, for the first time since you were nine weeks old, you started getting up during the night. You ran a low fever, got a little congested, and you gnawed ferociously on anything and everything. You were whiny, cranky and generally restless. A couple of days later, on June 12, your right bottom front tooth broke through! Things settled down for a couple days, and then it all started again. This time the whining and waking up in the night was worse (every half hour at least for two nights in a row) . It was rough on all of us, but then finally the bottom left tooth came in on June 17.

A couple days later, you got your first cold. And promptly passed it on to daddy and me. We've all been congested, coughing, eyes watering for a few days now. You're feeling much better, and hopefully we are about done with it, too. You handled it fairly well. The worst of it was not being able to use your pacifier much because of the nasal congestion, so you had some trouble getting to sleep. You're a resilient and adaptable baby, though, and we got through it just fine.

We've been playing with you on your belly a lot, to try and see if you'll start moving. There's not been much progress, except that you'll stay on your hands and knees briefly if we put you there, rock back and forth a bit, and then flop back onto your belly. I know this means crawling is coming, but you haven't quite figured it out.

If yesterday's discovery is any indication, though, it won't be long. I left you on your belly on a blanket and walked over to the computer. I listened to you play and whine a little while I checked email and facebook. I noticed it got strangely silent, so I leaned over to check it out. You had scooted backward off the blanket about three feet and turned yourself sideways.

Time to start baby proofing!

Love,
Mama

see emmett grow

2010-06-13T18:05:00.002-04:00

This site has been suffering from a bit of an identity crisis in the past six months. I haven't been sure of which way to take it. I never wanted it to be a mommy blog, but I find myself wanting to share about Emmett most of the time. I have ideas for other posts and other things to write about, but I never seem to get around to it.

To remedy this, as well as to provide Emmett's geographically diverse family (and anyone else who may be interested) with frequent updates, I have created see emmett grow -- a separate project devoted to him. This is not to say I won't ever post stories or photos about him here, but I hope to devote more time to myself and my experiences.

I'll be back here again soon, trying to find my way back to what I want for this site. In the meantime, please stop by http://seeemmettgrow.wordpress.com and let me know what you think.

poop on the floor, poop on the floor, lookin' like a fool with your poop on the floor

2010-06-11T10:39:00.010-04:00

On Wednesday evening, before Emmett's bath, and while Mike was still at work, I was folding laundry in my bedroom. Emmett was in his jumper in the doorway. I heard him make noises like he was going to poop, and considered the possibility that it would go all up his back since he was in the jumper. I sighed, and figured I'd take two minutes to fold the rest of the laundry, and then clean him up. I folded one more shirt, looked back over at him, and he was, and I AM NOT KIDDING AROUND HERE, jumping in his poop. Literally. Jumping in his poop, and grinning at me. Mashing it right on into the carpet.

Oh, and did I mention he had beets for lunch? Well, he did.

I hauled him out, cleaned him up, and called my dad to tell him the story, which as gross and funny as it is, probably still does not top the story he had called earlier to tell me.

{STORY WITHIN A STORY: He parked his car across the street from the house, and was halfway up the sidewalk with an armful of groceries, when a bear came around the corner of the house. So there's a bear, stopping to stare at my dad, and there's my dad, twenty feet from the bear, carrying bags of food. He edged very, very, very slowly down the sidewalk and made it into the house. The bear kept going across the yard and across the street. My dad grabbed the camera and went out the front door to take a picture, and as he stepped off the front porch, another bear came around the side of the house! This one didn't stop, though, it kept right on going, and he was able to get one picture of it walking away (hey dad, send me that picture and I can add it here) before he went back inside to make absolutely sure all bears were gone before getting the rest of the groceries.}

So. As I'm talking to my parents about the bear and the poop, I keep smelling something and I cannot imagine what it could possibly be. I keep chatting away, and trying to clean up the baby and the carpet.

Suddenly it hit me that I was boiling lima beans on the stove to make for Emmett before the poop happened.

vintage ensemble

2010-06-03T09:48:00.006-04:00

We had a good Memorial Day weekend in Pennsylvania, visiting family. Emmett had the opportunity to show off this outfit, which belonged to his father nearly thirty years ago. Even if I did have to move the buttons down to the ends of the straps and put him in a disposable diaper to cram him in. Totally worth it. It was hot that day, though, and these clothes are definitely a study in the evolution of baby fabrics. The polyester material was so hot and sweaty. We changed him back to a breathable cotton one-piece before long so he could cool off and enjoy his family!

six months

2010-05-24T16:40:00.009-04:00

Dear Emmett,

Today is your six month birthday. Between your last letter at five months and today, your personality has started to emerge. Your brain is working so hard making connections and figuring things out, sometimes I think I can actually see the wheels turning. This is even more fun, because about a week ago you learned to sit up on your own. All at once. So far, that's the way you do everything. You don't try, not interested, no thank you, and then one day you decide to do it. And that's it, skill perfected. Overnight, my life became ten times easier. Being able to take you anywhere around the house and have you sit and play and look around makes you so much happier and more flexible. You observe the world from right side up. You smile this sweet little squishy-faced grin and you're so proud of your own independence.

Bath time remains a favorite. You love to splash and try to steal your washcloth to suck the water out of it. Water is pure joy for you. Even pouring water right over your head and your face makes you laugh.

A couple times a day, you and I curl up with a couple of books. You love to turn pages, look at pictures and listen to stories. I'm so glad you love stories and reading; I hope you become an avid and curious reader.

We have started showing you some sign language, using a combination of my memory from my ASL class in college and signs from a baby sign language book. You watch, fascinated, whenever I go through signs with you. We sing the alphabet song and sign the letters, which always makes you smile.

Silly sounds are a hit. You learned to buzz your lips a couple weeks ago. And a few days ago you figured out how to smack your lips together to make a popping sound. Any silly sounds I can think up make you start giggling, especially if accompanied by tickling or by burying my face in your neck and dancing around. When I stick my tongue out to you, you grin and study it intently, trying to figure out what to do. You contort your mouth and try to copy me. A few times your tongue has actually stuck out, but I think it's mostly an accident. You haven't quite figured that one out yet!

Your motor skills and coordination are really starting to develop. If you are sitting on the floor and drop a toy, you reach out to wherever it fell and pick it back up. You've got an eagle eye for your pacifier and if it is anywhere within reach, you spot it, pick it up and put it in your mouth. If it falls too far out of your reach, you lean way over as far as you can and try so hard to figure out how to get it. When this fails, you screech at me so I'll come and retrieve it for you.

Last week, we took you to the pediatrician for your six month appointment. You clocked in at 18lbs, 15oz and 26.5in long. Your growth curve is holding steady at 75th percentile, so even though you are a little chunk, you are following that curve, which is perfect. Your doctor adores you, and after a perfect checkup, cheerfully told us, "I have no complaints about this person." She declared you developmentally at about 7 months, and told us to go ahead and feed you almost anything we want to, except eggs and fish, which have to wait until 9 months.

You're now on bottle feeds 4 times a day, since I stopped nursing a few days ago. It was a little sad to end our nursing sessions together, but you were ready and I was ready. It was the right time for us. When you have a bottle, you've mastered grabbing it with two hands and putting it in your mouth. A few seconds later, though, you drop it. You're also having three meals of food a day. This past week we've started you on yogurt and chicken, both of which you love. Coming up this week, you're going to try cottage cheese and some new fruits, including strawberries, kiwi and blueberries.

I can't believe we are halfway to your first birthday already, Emmett. You fill our lives with joy. The adventure continues.

Love,
Mama

wordless wednesday: reading with his poppy

2010-05-12T15:49:00.001-04:00

five months

2010-04-25T19:45:00.001-04:00

Dear Emmett,

Yesterday, you turned five months old. We celebrated by doing something you love - taking you out in the stroller to watch people. Daddy, you and I went to an Earth Day fair at Liberty State Park. As always, you were happy riding around, watching people and attracting attention. If you are ever cranky, all we have to do is take you out in your stroller. As long as you have new people and new things to watch, you are happy.

We ate a late lunch at one of our favorite restaurants, and sat at an outdoor table. You played and babbled while we ate, and listened to a teeny baby, no more than a week old, fuss at another table. His parents smiled at you, and exchanged looks with us -- them seeing their future; us remembering your brand new first days.

Your fifth month came with opportunities for gathering and celebrating with family. We celebrated your first Easter with Mimi and Pappy and the rest of our Pennsylvania family. They gave you an Easter basket and you watched Alli hunt for eggs. You were very patient at church, until you got hungry and couldn't be soothed. Daddy took you out to settle you down and give you a bottle. The rest of the day was spent bonding with family and playing. You got to see your cousin Keaton, which reminded us of how big you are! Keaton is so sweet, and before we know it you two will be running and playing together. Probably while Alli bosses you both around.

The following weekend, on April 11th, you were baptized, and you bonded with lots of family all weekend. Gram Gram fed you cereal on Saturday. Ian held you and played with you while you ate your cereal on Sunday. We had a big gathering at Nana & Poppy's house to celebrate your baptism on Sunday. Your godparents, Ashley and Eddie, drove up to spend the day, as well as Mimi & Pappy and Andi, Mike & Alli. Church was great- the service was beautiful, and you were calm and good-natured, despite the fact that it was naptime. Pastor Carl baptized you while so much of your family looked on. And then you fell sound asleep in Ashley's arms for the rest of the service.

As far as your new skills and tricks, you learned to roll over! At 4 months and one day, you finally decided it was worth your time. For about an hour, you made these loud, frustrated grunting noises and worked to throw yourself over. And finally, you just did it. You rolled over. Backwards! You went the hard way first. Back to belly. Oh, and to your left. And now, one month later, that is still the only way you roll. Back to belly, to your left. No matter how many times we roll you and help you practice going to your right, and from belly to back, you are not interested. You just roll to your belly, play for a few minutes, and then wail at me until I come help you back over.

Your eating has exploded. Your food schedule is basically the same as last month, with the addition of lunch. You now eat a fruit or vegetable for lunch. For dinner, you have either cereal, bananas mixed with cereal, or sometimes just another fruit or vegetable. We're trying to phase out the cereal, as your doctor recommended not giving you cereal. You're already chunky enough; you don't need the extra calories just to fill you up!

Favorite foods are sweet potatoes, bananas and pears. You also like butternut squash, beets and applesauce. You hated the peas, but you'll eat them if I mix a small amount with something else. You didn't like the mango either, but I think the ones we bought weren't ripe enough. They were so sour, your eye actually twitched when you took a bite! I mixed in some pears, and then you ate them.

You are fond of shoving your hands in your mouth between and/or during bites of food these days. Often it will end up smeared all over your face and sometimes in your hair. Mealtime is an adventure!

Sleeping is still great at night. You sleep through the night every night, and you are going to bed a bit earlier now. A couple weeks ago, you started acting ready for your nighttime routine of bath and bottle earlier. So over a few nights, I moved your bedtime back to about 8:30 from about 10pm. You still sleep through to about 7am. And you're napping better during the day. Two reliable naps, although length of them ranges anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 and a half hours. Depends on the day.

We have to be so careful what we allow within reach of your arms, as you'll grab anything you can get your little mitts on. It makes playtime so much fun, though, and you think so too. Everything you play with makes you laugh, and your laugh has evolved into this crazy gasping cackle.

You've started sitting up on your own for a few seconds at a time. I think it helps that your belly is big enough to help you balance upright, but you are learning! If I can get you to grab your feet, it helps, and you'll sit by yourself long enough to look around and enjoy the view. Until you reach for a toy, upsetting your balance, and topple over!

These are the first steps in a lifetime of trial and error, successes and failures, learning and exploring and growing, and it is my privilege to stand by your side through it all.

Love,
Mama

tlc's addicted

2010-04-22T09:18:00.003-04:00

I watch several shows on TLC, including 19 Kids and Counting, Little People, Big World, Say Yes to the Dress. They're good shows to have on in the background while I'm doing chores, folding laundry, eating lunch, that kind of thing. I enjoy them.

The problem is that TLC has this new show called Addicted (disclaimer: I have no idea what the website says about the show; I found the link but didn't read a word of it). I have never watched it, but they advertise it constantly and play up the drama that goes along with drug and alcohol addiction.

Because I use a DVR, I can sometimes bypass the ads and previews. I don't always catch the fast forward fast enough though, since I am usually doing other things when I'm watching these shows. When I see them, it brings memories of losing Greg to me with an unsettling force.

I am not trying to say this show is a bad idea. In fact, it's the opposite. I think bringing awareness to addiction and all that goes with it could potentially help people. I believe that awareness is always the first step to changing the world. Of course, I say all this without having watched the show. I don't know how they handle the portrayal of the addicts and their families and friends. For all I know, it could be exploitative and useless drama. But the previews don't seem that way; it appears they are trying to help people and spread awareness.

I'm not saying it's a bad idea for a show. I'm just saying it's a bad idea for me to watch it.

tomorrow

2010-04-08T08:25:00.003-04:00

Based on the fact that I started this blog as an outlet where I could write about life after the death of my brother, you would think I'd write often at this time of year. I don't know if I have in years past or not, I can't remember and the last thing I need right now is to look back in those archives.

The thing is, I do have a lot to say. I just can't seem to organize my thoughts in even a remotely coherent way. And I'd rather not face it. I'd prefer to just play with Emmett and pretend nothing is wrong. This, of course, is not healthy or productive. I know this. You probably know this. And yet, that's what I do.

Sometimes I'm not sure whether the actual anniversary week of Greg's death is harder, or if Easter week is harder. The fact is they're both difficult. Greg died Palm Sunday. His funeral was Wednesday of Holy Week. And on Easter Sunday, Mom, Dad, Mike and I went to the casino for mindless distraction, rather than face the day.

Easter week was long and difficult this year. But there was also fun and distractions and I made it through okay.

Tomorrow, it will be four years since Greg died. I'm dreading it but it's also just another damn day. He isn't any less dead today than he will be tomorrow. He's gone every day, not just on the anniversary.

At any rate, I'm thankful to be busy right now. Emmett and I are taking a mini road trip today for lunch and bonding time with some family. This weekend will be family and friends and gathering to celebrate Emmett's baptism on Sunday.

I'm thankful for Emmett, who has saved me from figuring out how to end this post. He's wailing and screeching on the floor right now, waiting for me to come get him because he's flipped onto his belly and he's unable to get back over. Would it be insensitive of me to compare him to a beached whale, given the humpback whale currently stranded on Long Island?

acky berry

2010-03-25T18:24:00.003-04:00

Emmett had his 4 month appointment this morning. We were pretty close on his weight -- he is 16lb, 13oz and 25in tall. Everything was great, he just has some eczema on his face, which I knew. He comes by it naturally. She gave us some cream for it, but also recommended shea butter as a good everyday lotion for his face to help that.

I took Emmett over to the mall this afternoon to get some shea butter, and on our way out we passed through JC Penney. Near a checkout counter, a woman wearing tight sweatpants, a t-shirt and a greasy ponytail was standing around talking to two other people. She was missing at least one front tooth, and she was wearing blue fuzzy socks. No shoes. She was talking in a very loud voice about how she was just upstairs and had a protein shake. I believe she had an acai berry shake, but she believes it was acky berry. She really likes that acky berry and it tastes good and boy is that acky berry good for you but those acky berry protein shakes really make you shit.

four months

2010-03-24T10:48:00.001-04:00

Dear Emmett,

Today you are four months old. This morning, when Daddy took you out of your crib and brought you to sit with us while we ate breakfast, you looked so big to me, sitting in his lap and laughing. It is hard to believe that just four months ago you were a squishy little newborn in the NICU. We haven't been to your four month appointment yet, that will be tomorrow, but if our scale can be believed, you have almost doubled your birth weight already, weighing in at over 16 pounds. I'm looking forward to finding out if that matches up with your official weight tomorrow.

At the beginning of your fourth month, you tasted rice cereal for the first time, and loved it. You eat it every day with gusto and often I can't shovel it into your mouth fast enough. We started out dumping it into the back of your mouth so you'd figure out to swallow it. And then it took you only about three days to learn to open your mouth for the spoon and eat. Now, I can barely get the spoon into your mouth before you eat all the cereal right off it like an expert.

We've changed your feeding schedule in the last week to accommodate the fact that your cereal feeding is now a real meal instead of just a taste for practice, and you're adjusting to it perfectly. You nurse in the morning, have a bottle at lunch, nurse again mid-afternoon. At dinnertime you have your cereal and between 8-9 you have a bottle before bed.

You and I play on the floor every day, and I roll you around for practice. You've finally started trying to roll over in the last few days, and I think pretty soon you'll do it. Probably from back to belly, though! You've shown no move toward rolling belly to back, which would probably be easier for you.

Your new favorite trick is standing while we hold you. You love to bounce on your legs. Yesterday, we discovered that you can stand up from laying on your back on the floor, if I hold your hands and help you up. Your grin after doing this looks like it will explode right off the sides of your face, you are so proud of yourself.

Possibly the thing that makes you smile the most, though, is your own reflection. I show you the baby in the mirror often throughout the day, and talk to you about how his name is Emmett, too! He is always copying you, too. He's always wrapped in a towel after his bath at the same time you are, and he's always wearing the same clothes! You get very excited about seeing him.

Your coordination improves every day. You grab toys out of my hands and reach for things constantly. Burp cloths with patterns (made for you by Beanie) are a favorite. You'll hold and stare at them for ages. Your big cousin Otis shared some of his old toys with you, and one of them has quickly become a favorite while serving the dual purpose of being payback for your parents! The Spin & Sing Alphabet toy is the same one that Daddy and I gave to your cousin Alli over a year ago, and it has been driving Auntie Andi and Uncle Mike nuts ever since! Now it's our turn. I have to say, though, you are great at spinning it, and it totally captivates you so it's worth it and it's fun to watch.

A few weeks ago, I started holding you in my lap at the ~~piano~~ keyboard and you love this. We do it every day now, and for a little while I sit you back in my lap and I play and sing. Then I move you up and let you play, too. I'm not sure you've quite figured out that you are making the noise yet, but you love to push on the keys and you love the sounds. Music makes you happy and that makes me happy! I am looking forward to putting you in kindermusik this fall so you can learn more and play with other kids.

We've had some nice weather this month, and we've spent some time outside on a blanket, playing in the sun, and going for walks. You love to sit up in the stroller and watch the world go by. You attract attention everywhere we go, people love to talk to you and you just grin back. You are such a happy baby.

Your gas issues have decreased a lot, and only occasionally do we have to deal with your frantic gassy distress. More often, if anything is bothering you these days, it seems to be your gums. We think you're teething, and it helps to give you a cold teether or to let you chew on our fingers. I can't feel any teeth coming yet, but if your sore gums and the buckets of drool pouring out of your mouth are any indication, it won't be long!

I am getting excited for warm weather, so you and I can get out of the house to play every day, take walks, and go into the city often for lunches with Daddy. And so we can take you in the pool! You absolutely adore bath time, water makes you very happy, so we can't wait to take you in the pool and let you splash and explore.

I hear you waking up from your nap in the other room, and I can't wait another minute to go see your smiling face! Happy four months, my sweet boy.

Love,
Mama

my little leprechaun

2010-03-17T21:43:00.003-04:00

Emmett was supposed to wear this shirt at the reunion for the Irish branch of the family this summer. We bought it before he was born, size 6-12 months, not realizing that we would have a gigantic chunk of a baby. At least it fit him for today! And a special thanks to his Auntie Beanie for the festive socks.

I hope you all sported green and enjoyed some corned beef & cabbage or some green beer today. For my part, I did wear green and have a beer. It wasn't green, though. And for dinner I made pasta with hamburger and sausage. Seems my Italian half didn't want to allow the Irish half to choose the meal, St. Patrick's Day or not. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

emmett cash

2010-03-16T10:16:00.002-04:00

26

2010-03-10T10:36:00.003-05:00

This past Saturday would have been Greg's 26th birthday. Mom, Dad, Mike, Emmett and I celebrated by eating at RUB and taking a walk around the big lake in Central Park. It was a fitting tribute to my brother, and I'm so glad we chose that way to spend his day.

three months

2010-03-03T08:33:00.004-05:00

Dear Emmett,

One week ago, you turned three months old. You marked your three month birthday on our trip to Florida, where your cousin Henry was excited to wish you a happy birthday! Your cousins Maria and Julia were happy to smile at you, point at you, and try to steal your pacifier. It was a fine way to celebrate. You enjoyed the whole trip, and I barely had to do anything other than feed you, change you and comfort you if you had a bellyache. Your cousins took care of the entertainment, and you were so happy to just watch them constantly for five days.

Emmett, you did so beautifully traveling, you made it easy on me. You were quiet and happy on the plane and you charmed everyone you met. Even when we had to alter our plans on the way home (Newark, JFK and LaGuardia airports almost completely shut down due to snow), you were a total champ. I took a flight to Philly without a plan from there, got us to 30th street station and bought an Amtrak ticket to Newark Penn Station, where Daddy met us and helped us the rest of the way home with all our stuff on the PATH train. And aside from the fact that you filled your (flimsy disposable for traveling no chance of containing your poop for longer than five minutes) diaper just before the plane took off, you were a fantastic and adaptable traveler.

You've changed a great deal in the past month, and it seems like you have a new skill every day. You have a new found ability to put pressure on your legs and feet while in our laps. You could spend all day letting me hold you there so you could practice standing, and catch you when you lose the muscle control. It makes you giggle, and there is no better sound in the whole world.

Speaking of giggling, that skill has exploded over the past couple of weeks. You giggle so often, sometimes we can't imagine what could be so funny. Such as the little bulletin board in the kitchen with some coupons and random things pinned on it. When that bulletin board comes into your sight, you often go into such hysterics that you lose complete control of your head and I have to catch it!

And here is where I must apologize. I passed a trait on to you which followed me all through childhood, and occasionally still catches up to me. Growing up, every time I started laughing hard, I got the hiccups. There are few things more annoying, and I'm so very sorry to say I passed this on to you. Whenever you are laughing so hard and we are smiling back and forth at each other and life could not be better, those silly hiccups take hold and, poor little thing, you hate them (who can blame you?!) and start to fuss. I take full responsibility for this. Sorry, little man!

Another new skill you've picked up is a fun trick for when you're going to sleep or waking up in your crib. It's something almost every baby figures out and enjoys, but I can't say it's a totally desirable skill. You've figured out that it's fun (and noisy!) to pick your legs up in the air and slam them back onto the crib mattress. Let's hope Nana and Poppy sleep soundly when they come to visit this weekend!

Perhaps the most fun development this month, Emmett, is your ability to reach out and pick up small toys. Rattles work well for this, as well as chains of plastic rings with different colors and textures. If placed within your arm's reach, you'll grab these things and play with them. Your aim and timing is not yet perfect, so sometimes you need a little help, but it is so much fun to watch you decide you want something and reach out for it.

Slowly, you are settling into a routine. You have a bath and a bottle around 8 or 9pm and go to bed usually between 10-11pm. You wake up between 7-8am. Give or take a little in either direction. You are a great sleeper at night. When you wake up, I nurse you, and you play for a little while, and an hour and a half or two hours after waking up, you're ready for a nap. You go to sleep perfectly in your crib and sleep for 45 minutes to an hour. After that, it gets a little dicey. Feeding is becoming more predictable, but naps after that first one are not settled in yet. Some days you'll sleep for at least two hours in the afternoon, which is what you should be doing.

Other days are more fussy. You still have bellyache problems, and sometimes reach the point of real distress and we can tell you're in pain. We give you baby gas drops, rub your belly, and try to help you through it. On days like that, you'll often refuse to sleep in your crib, and you'll just doze several times during the day for only a half hour (or less) at a time.

The biggest addition to your developing routine has been the addition of rice cereal to your diet. It's very new, the last few days, but you are loving it and learning how to eat from a spoon. We started you on cereal at 3 months and 3 days, just a little bit once a day. I'm certain your doctor will not be pleased at your next appointment, but you're ready for it. I'm your mother and I said so. If you listen closely, you might hear that phrase a lot in the coming years.

I'll talk more about cereal in next month's letter, since that really started after the 3 month mark. Maybe next month I'll be on time with your letter!

In the meantime, keep up the good work, growing and changing and laughing and smiling. You are loved and you are love.

Love,
Mama

such a polite girl

2010-03-02T11:07:00.002-05:00

This is my goddaughter, Maria. Emmett and I went to Florida last week to see Maria, her brother Henry, and their mother, Maresi. Also joining us were my cousin Katherine and her daughter Julia. We went to the beach one day. It was a little too cold for a beach day, but we wanted to let the kids stick their toes in the sand, and those of us not from a tropical place needed a little sand and ocean time.

Maria found the two shells she's holding in the picture, which she loved and played with the whole time we were there. When we left, she set them on the towel next to her to get ready to leave. As she stood up, Maresi handed them to her so she could take them home with her. She lagged behind a second, looking at them. Then she leaned over, gently set them down on the sand, signed "thank you" to them, and hurried to catch up with Maresi.

baby on a plane

2010-02-23T18:05:00.004-05:00

Emmett and I arrived in Florida yesterday, where it is warm and the air is soft! We are thoroughly enjoying ourselves. Watching all the little kids together is pure joy.

Emmett did so well on the plane, he slept from the moment we sat down in our seat until about a half hour before we landed. He had a bottle and was pleasant the rest of the way. We had all 3 seats to ourselves, amazingly! Here is Emmett sitting in a seat after he ate.

other man

2010-02-16T20:39:00.002-05:00

So, I am way, WAY behind on LOST posting. I will try to catch up with some more detailed analysis and theories this week. Before tonight's episode, I have just a few theories to share from the season's first two weeks. There is so much more to discuss, but I'll stick with a few main ideas for now.

About the two separate versions of the Losties that we have going now, I have two ideas. First of all, we already know that time is not linear in the LOST world. Maybe neither is space?

And second, I think that they are going to show that each person's destiny is the same. Destiny is destiny, and no matter whether the plane crashed or not, they were all going to arrive in the same place anyway.

For example, I think Kate is still going to end up with Aaron.

Also, regarding Ethan Rom. I assume you all noticed he was Claire's doctor in the hospital? However, he introduced himself as "Dr. Goodspeed." I was about to theorize that maybe he is actually Horace Goodspeed's brother, but then I looked on lostpedia and remembered that we found out last season that he actually was born Ethan Goodspeed and he is Horace Goodspeed's son. So. Nevermind. There you have it.

I think Sayid is possessed by Smokey/Man in Black. I think so is Claire. But not Locke. Smokey took Locke's form and not his body. He just shaped himself like Locke but is still himself. Sayid doesn't know he's possessed, at least not yet.

The only doubts I have about Claire are that when we saw her last season, she was in Jacob's cabin. Why would she be in Jacob's cabin if she's possessed by his nemesis? Christian Shephard was there too, pretending to be Jacob. So had Jacob abandoned that cabin a long time ago and now Smokey had taken it over? But wouldn't Richard Alpert know that, since he is in with Jacob? And he took Ben & Locke to the cabin, knowing it was Jacob's.

So are Claire and Christian Shephard possessed and/or on Smokey's side, or are they Jacob's somehow?

Lastly, I really like Dogen and Lennon. I also like that Lennon looks like John Lennon. It amuses me.

Enjoy tonight's episode! And if it takes me a few days to get a post up, check with Okay Seriously. I don't always agree with all her theories but I do like her LOST posts (and all her other posts), and she is generally more timely than I am.

emmett's big cousin

2010-02-16T10:02:00.010-05:00

Our niece Alli came to visit over the weekend (she brought her parents, too). She was fascinated with Emmett and wanted to hug him and bring him toys. She's 18 months old, and so much fun. They were adorable together, even though Emmett mostly could have cared less about Tornado Alli hovering around him!

emmett in the snow

2010-02-11T09:39:00.005-05:00

We got over a foot of snow yesterday, and in the afternoon we bundled up and ventured out. Emmett was not too impressed, he just looked a little bewildered at being stuffed into his snowsuit and carried out into the cold snowy weather. He humored us, though, while we stuck him in the snow and took his picture!

two months

2010-02-01T13:02:00.006-05:00

Dear Emmett,

It is so hard to believe you are more than two months old already. Having you around has changed our lives so deeply that it sometimes seems as though you've been with us forever. I can't imagine my life without you in it, and it's hard for me to remember what life was like before you joined us. You are the love of our lives.

The rest of your family loves you almost as much as we do, and even though they don't live nearby, you are showered with so much love. You get to see Nana & Poppy, Mimi & Pappy, and Auntie Andi & Uncle Mike as often as we can manage it. Your cousin Alli has been able to see you several times, and loves nothing more than to point at you, hug you, and try to poke your eyes out. You've been able to meet lots of your extended family too, and all your big cousins can't wait until you are big enough to play with them. You even have a cousin younger than you are! Your cousin Keaton was born one week after you, and it's going to be fun to watch you both grow up together.

Soon, you will take your first plane ride to meet more family. You and I are going to Florida in a few weeks so you can meet your cousins Henry and Maria (and their parents, too)! Your cousin Julia is coming with us (and her mom, too)! I can't wait to see all of you kids together. It seems like just yesterday that we were kids growing up together, and now we're getting together so our kids can get to know each other.

You look just like your daddy, and even strangers notice the resemblance immediately. You've looked just like him since the moment you were born. You grow and change every single day, but that resemblance is constant. This month, you started smiling constantly, and in the last couple of weeks, you started giggling. You've discovered your hands, and I often catch you holding them in front of your face and studying them. You hold your head up most of the time on your own. Until you forget yourself and it flops around and whacks one of us in the jaw. In the last couple of days you've started swinging your arms around at toys and occasionally even aiming correctly and hitting one! You coo and babble constantly, although you've been doing that almost since day one! You are one noisy, chatty baby.

Amazingly, you have been sleeping through the night every night for the last couple of weeks. And not just 5-6 hours at a time, which is considered sleeping through the night for a baby. You sleep a solid 8-9 hours in a row at night. When you wake up from naps or in the morning, it's always very pleasantly. You tend to be in a good mood when you wake up, and it takes you a while to work yourself up and start crying loud enough so we hear you and come to get you. As a result, you scoot yourself around and are usually sideways in the crib with your head jammed up against the crib rails by the time we come to get you!

Playtime is lots of fun. You love nothing more than to be read to, or talked to, or sung to. You lay on the floor and study your toys, or study my face, or your own hands. I talk and sing and read, and you grin and giggle and babble. Your favorite songs are Baa Baa Black Sheep, the Baby Bumblebee song, and the BVDs song. They make you smile almost every time.

You are a generally laid back and happy baby. Unless something's bothering you, you're ready to soak up the world. You do have bellyaches a lot and fairly often you are gassy, whiny, fussy, and generally unsettled. When you get that way, your favorite place to be is held close, belly to belly, with your face buried in my neck. But you rarely scream. Only if you're super hungry and we're getting a bottle, which takes far too long in your opinion to be ready, or if something hurts you.

Which brings us to today's two month baby checkup appointment. You had your first round of vaccines, and boy howdy did you holler. There were two injections in one thing and one injection in the other thigh, which gave you plenty of time to get seriously wound up. Your face crinkled up so tight, it looked as though you were trying to suck your whole face up through your nostrils. Then your mouth opened so wide, your face turned a hearty purple color, and you let out a scream louder than I've ever heard from you. Almost immediately, though, you lost your breath completely and went silent , and, if it's even possible, you got even purpler and your mouth opened even wider. Finally, you remember to breathe again and started screaming louder than ever.

And I'm sorry, kiddo, I really am, but you are so cute and so funny when you get all worked up and screaming. I'm sure I'll have this to apologize for later in your life, but I'll just go ahead and get a head start now. I'm sorry for all the laughing I have done and will do while you're mad and screaming in my face.

Of course, it's a little less funny (but still adorable) when it goes on for over an hour without stopping and you're inconsolable, which is what happened when you woke up from your nap a few hours after your appointment. Your poor little leg swelled up and turned bright red where you had the shot. A call to the dr to check on it, some baby tylenol, and now you're all snuggled up with your face buried in my neck as I type this. Not happy, but just whining like a sad puppy dog now, and slowly settling down.

The rest of your appointment was just checking up on your feeding, development and measurements. Everything looks great and the scale proved what we already know: you are a little piggy! At 2 months, you weight 13lbs, 5oz, and you are 23 inches long. You are average height and in the 75th percentile for weight. Your doctor had no complaints and pronounced you healthy and beautiful.

These first two months with you, Emmett, have already been magical. You have given us just the tiniest hint of what is to come, and I am so excited to help guide you through your journey. I can't wait to see what you'll do. Slow down, though, don't move too fast. Let's soak in this time together, where it's enough for you to spend your days with me, snuggling and learning and smiling and playing.

Happy two months, Emmett, my sweet boy.

Love,
Mama

wordless wednesday: mid-yawn

2010-01-27T17:58:00.001-05:00

cradle

2010-01-20T11:51:00.005-05:00

Yesterday, Emmett turned 8 weeks old. He celebrated by moving into his crib in his own room. Since he arrived home, he's been sleeping in this cradle, just a couple feet away from me at night. It's a special cradle, built by Emmett's great great uncle and used by many, many family members before him, including me. I've enjoyed having him next to me, and it's just a little bit harder to fall asleep at night without him there. It brings back memories of those first two nights home from the hospital, when he was still in the NICU. His cradle sat empty and I cried myself to sleep both nights.

Now, he is only two rooms away, sleeping through the night. I blinked once and suddenly he is 8 weeks old and growing so fast I can almost watch it happen. He is taking the very first step away from total dependence on me, and he's ready. I watch him sleep in his crib, and if I squint hard, I can just about see a little boy instead of a newborn.

Emmett is growing and changing and reaching milestones perfectly. And so we tuck away the cradle for now, because Emmett is ready for his crib, just as he should be. I may not be ready, but he is!

just go ahead and file this away under a for adorable

2010-01-18T14:26:00.004-05:00

On Friday, Emmett noticed he has hands. His fist would swing by his face, and it would catch his eye. His eyes would go in and out of focus, cross and uncross a bit, and just start to get a good look at it before it would mysteriously disappear. This repeated all afternoon, and he's still doing it. Always the right hand, though, I don't think he's figured out yet that he's got two of them. Finally today I remembered to capture it for sharing with you all, rather than keeping The Cute all to myself!

mothers' room

2010-01-11T10:45:00.002-05:00

It took Emmett about a week at home to get the hang of nursing. I was tense and upset, because he wouldn't latch, and he was having a lot of trouble latching and doing a lot of screaming. He was lazy and unwilling to latch because of all the bottles he had while in the NICU. Once he got it, though, he got it. He's been good at it ever since and hasn't had any trouble latching. We even give him bottles a few times a week, and he has no trouble transitioning. He certainly gets plenty to eat, as he outgrows clothes at an alarming rate and I can just about see him grow as I watch him each day. Basically, he settled right in and hasn't looked back.

It took me a little longer. I was relieved when he started nursing well, and I relaxed quite a bit. But I still felt very unbalanced and completely without control when it came to his feeding. I don't think I am alone in this, but I felt like his eating schedule was so unpredictable, I couldn't leave the house unless it was right after he ate and we would be back in under 2 hours to make absolutely sure he wouldn't get hungry while we were out. I lacked the confidence to even consider the idea of feeding him outside our apartment.

A week or so after he became good at nursing, we introduced a bottle again, because I didn't want him not to be able to take a bottle. And he, as I already said, had no trouble transitioning back and forth. After that, I became comfortable enough to be out for one feeding, where we'd give him a bottle, and be home in plenty of time for the next feeding. That felt like such a big step.

When Emmett was 4 weeks old, we began our Christmas travel, with almost a week spent in CT for Christmas with my family, and then 4 days in PA to celebrate Christmas with them and spend New Years Eve with Mike's sister and her family. I was forced to adjust quickly, but it turned out to be fairly easy, because I was comfortable feeding him at my parents' house. I became confident enough to take him out regardless of his feeding schedule as long as we'd be at someone's house, where there was a quiet room I could take him to nurse.

This was all big progress, and his feeding schedule was becoming a bit more predictable. I was still unwilling to consider feeding him in any type of public place. I have no problem when people nurse in public, and theoretically I have no problem doing it myself. I even have a cute little nursing cover that our cousin gave me as a gift. I am just too shaky and self-conscious to try it thus far.

On Saturday, Mike and I went up to a mall about a half hour away, and planned to do some errands, have lunch, and poke around. I decided I could be comfortable enough to be out for two feedings, one bottle of breast milk pumped before we left, and one bottle of formula for the second feeding.

Toward the end of the afternoon, we were nearly ready to go, and Emmett was very hungry. I decided that since we were about ready anyway, we'd find a bathroom where I could change him, and then I'd nurse him in the car before we left, which I wasn't really comfortable with, but it seemed like the best option.

We poked around the kids' section in Nordstrom, treated ourselves to one or two adorable things for Emmett, and then used their bathroom. I found that they had a separate room inside, labeled "Mothers' Room." I looked in and found a room with three comfy armchairs, spread around the room, a large padded changing table counter, and a large sink counter area with soap and paper towels. It was well-designed and comfy, and I suddenly had the confidence to feed Emmett while we were out.

I was completely comfortable feeding him there. I sat, relaxed, fed him and changed him and he was happy and settled by the time we left.

So was I. It may sound completely silly, but that small, thoughtful addition to their ladies' room made me feel like a competent mother. Made me feel like I can do this. I can take care of Emmett anywhere, and do what I need to do, be what I need to be for him.

I still don't know that I would plop myself on a bench in the middle of a busy mall or park and nurse Emmett, but I know that I would find a way and that I can do this. I don't have to be a slave to an unpredictable feeding schedule. He will adapt, and I will adapt, and we will be just fine!

wordless wednesday: emmett's first christmas

2010-01-06T15:18:00.005-05:00

(Also: Happy Birthday, Dad!)

can you even stand the cute?

2009-12-22T08:17:00.001-05:00

emmett richard's name

2009-12-16T15:26:00.003-05:00

Many people have wondered how Mike and I came up with Emmett's name. When we were in Costa Rica in May, we spent hours floating around in the pool and in the ocean, talking about names. We didn't argue or disagree on names very much, we actually enjoyed choosing potential boy and girl names. We took turns going through the alphabet, saying a name starting with each letter, and they had to be names we hadn't listed in prior versions of this activity. Some letters, such as Q and Z, ran out of options quickly so we started skipping over them. But for more commonly used letters, it forced us to come up with slightly more obscure names. This is where Emmett came up. I don't remember which one of us said it, but it made our short list of names right away. It stuck, and it didn't take us very long after we got home to settle on it as the most likely choice if we had a boy.

For girl names, we used this game to come up with options for first and middle names. But for a boy, we only ever used it for first names. Emmett's middle name was always going to be my brother's first, middle or last name. We didn't settle on using Richard, his middle name, as Emmett's middle name, until a few weeks before he was born. We went back and forth between all three, knowing that we wanted to honor Greg's memory but also not wanting to saddle the baby with unnecessary baggage, which is why we decided not to use his first name. His last name, my maiden name, was under consideration too, because he was the only male child of my grandparents' only male child, meaning he was the only member of our generation to carry and keep the last name. I wanted to consider honoring the family name and carrying it on through Emmett.

Ultimately, though, we chose Richard as his middle name. We think it's a fitting way to honor my brother, my father (whose first name is Richard) and my grandfather (whose middle name is Richard). I hope Emmett will carry the name with joy and completely without pressure or baggage. I hope he will grow to know his uncle through me, through Mike, through his Nana and Poppy, and through the rest of our family, but never to feel as though he is being compared or required to live up to any memory, which is why we never would have considered any part of Greg's name as a first name.

I have already begun telling Emmett about his Uncle Greg. He's a good listener, and he likes it when I talk, sing and read to him. This morning, I was chatting to him about Greg, and told him that Greg's favorite hymn was Amazing Grace. I have avoided that song since Greg died, because of the memories. But this morning, when I told Emmett about the song, I sang it to him, the whole thing. Emmett settled right down and looked at me. He listened quietly through all the verses. I've sung it to him twice more today, and both times he was just as alert and quiet.

I can help Emmett get to know his uncle. But also, unexpectedly, Emmett has already helped me open my heart back up a little bit and re-learn to embrace something that Greg loved.

wordless wednesday: emmett's first cloth diaper

2009-12-09T09:46:00.002-05:00

new emmett header!

2009-12-08T09:24:00.002-05:00

A big huge thank you to my very thoughtful and talented friend latreash for designing this fabulous new banner for my website!!

Emmett and I are sitting around this morning, waiting for some family to arrive! My parents are coming, along with my Grandfather and my cousin Anna, to hang out with Emmett for the day. I am looking forward to the company, too, and I think we'll try and go out for lunch.

In the meantime, I've been telling Emmett stories about his cousin Noah. Sweet Noah died 4 years ago today at 11 months old. We miss him and wish Emmett and Noah could have known each other. We will do our best to make sure Emmett knows all about him. We remember him today with hearts full of love.

settling in

2009-12-07T11:47:00.003-05:00

Emmett has been at home for 9 days now, and our little family of three has been enjoying 9 cozy days of quality time together. Sadly, Mike had to go back to work today. We took Emmett to his doctors appointment this morning together, where Emmett was declared very smart and developmentally doing things around one month old already! He stretches his legs and opens his hands a lot, instead of keeping them balled up. He has pretty strong neck muscles already. And he focuses and has a good attention span for people and for objects he sees. And he gained almost half a pound in the last week! He is doing perfectly and I guess he is eating enough, which is so good to know. He hasn't had a bottle supplement in a week now and we're settling into nursing. The only bad thing is his diaper rash, which just refuses to go away. She gave us a prescription cream to try so hopefully we can get rid of it finally.

Then we hooked him back into the baby bjorn carrier and parted ways at the subway stop Mike needed for work. He kissed Emmett and me goodbye and left us to walk to our train station and head home. I hated to see him go and I know he'll miss Emmett all day today as he dives back into a busy day at work.

Emmett and I will miss him, too. Mike has been a rock for me these last two weeks. I'm not sure I gave him enough credit in my labor story for how amazing he was. Mike was there every single step of the way with more care and support than I ever could have asked for. He knew what I needed before I did. That continued all the way through my hospital stay, and Emmett's NICU stay, and all our time at home. We have experienced Emmett's first two weeks together, every step of the way, and I am so grateful. There have been a few pretty rough nights, and some struggles already, but Mike has been by my side for everything.

He will still be by my side, and by Emmett's side, with as much love and support as ever, of course, but not with us for every minute of every day. So here we are, Emmett and me, our first day on our own. So far, he's eaten, and then spent some time sitting in his boppy that has a little toy gym attached to it, watching the hanging toys, while I picked up a few things and washed a couple of dishes. Now he's hanging out in his swing while I finish this post and then get my lunch.

I feel accomplished and in control at the moment (amazing how doing something so small can feel so huge!) but also utterly exhausted. I plan a walk over to the grocery store to fill his diaper rash prescription and pick up a couple of things after his next feeding, and then I think we'll relax for the rest of the day and wait for daddy to get home.

wordless wednesday: i love daddy

2009-12-02T16:29:00.001-05:00