it's the little things

Aside from the morning sickness, heartburn and carpal tunnel, I have had amazingly few issues with this pregnancy. I know how lucky I am that I haven't gained a lot of weight, and that I still look mostly like myself, just add a belly. I'm not apprehensive about caring for a baby. I'm not even nervous about labor, at least not yet. I have remained pretty confident in myself and I've been able to basically continue doing all the things I normally do. When I tell you I'm doing well, it's the truth. When it comes to the big things, the things that matter, it's all good and I'm happy.

It takes the little things to defeat me, apparently.

It had been well over a week since I'd shaved my legs. This morning, in the shower, I decided to try and shave them, to make myself feel a little more human, a little less unattractive. It was hard, and frustrating. It was difficult to reach, and I felt unbalanced, and it took me a while. By the time I was done, I felt worse than when I started. Mike asked me, perfectly innocently, whether I was done yet and said I should have told him if I'd be a while in the shower, so he could go use the other bathroom.

Without any way to know it, he'd kicked me when I was down. I snapped, told him I was just trying to feel better about myself, to feel a little more attractive, and I didn't know it would take me forever, and next time I just wouldn't bother because there was no point anyway. Then I didn't speak to him until breakfast.

The whole thing made me feel like a complete failure. I felt ugly, and unlike myself, and on top of all that I couldn't even be nice to my husband, who did absolutely nothing wrong.

When we left for work, my mood started going downhill again. My short commute, which I've been doing in some similar form for almost three years, and is second nature, now feels to me like the most difficult task of my day. I dread it, because of the crowds, because people are so rude and push me and bump into me, and these days that makes me want to scream at them.

Today, I got on the train even though it was crowded because it looked like there was enough of a path through toward the seats that I could get close enough for someone to see me and give up their seat. It didn't happen. All the gaps filled in and I couldn't get near the seats, and I couldn't get back out the door onto the platform. I had no choice but to grab onto a bar, do my best to balance, and focus on staying fully conscious.

I made it okay, but by the time I got off the train, I was no longer able to hold back the tears of defeat and frustration. I feel so absolutely ridiculous that I can't handle a short train ride when I should be perfectly capable of it. I backed away from the crowds, waited for the platform to empty out some, wiped my eyes, and headed slowly up the stairs.

I put my brave face on and came into work. I will spend the day giving the impression that I am the perfectly secure, together, with it pregnant woman who can handle anything. I'll fight the crowds and I'll make it back home. And then I'll sink into Mike's arms and let go, and admit to what an incompetent failure I really am.

He'll help me through the weekend, we'll do things that are within my abilities and my comfort zone, and I'll get some projects done. By Sunday, I'll feel confident and like myself again. By the middle of next week, I'll start to drown in the same painful feeling of failure that threatens me this morning, and he'll have to pick me up, dry my tears, and help me back to my feet. Again.


maresi said...

oh, honey. we're both really having a day, aren't we? I've never wanted to escape to the compound more.

Meredith said...

so sorry you're having a bad day.
Being pregnant is hard, and the hormones that come along with it...even harder. Unfortunately for me, while breastfeeding, they last through the first year where I am a complete Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde to my husband and frequently apologizing to him and my kids for my sudden outbursts. Hang in there. You're doing the best you can!! :)

April said...

I've came across your blog and been interested in your pregnancy (as I'm exactly two weeks behind you in mine!)

I can relate to this post SO MUCH! Thank you thank you THANK YOU! I too have had a fairly painless pregnancy and our little symptoms sound exactly the same. Since hitting the third trimester I've found that I've slowed down a lot. Which I know is normal (and I thank God the first two trimesters were such a breeze for me!) But I guess it's in my nature to not want to be held back. The gym, which I've kept up throughout is getting more and more difficult...I feel awkward and my back is sore. It's this self imposed feeling of defeat that really bothers me though.

Just keep telling yourself how great you've been doing and you're almost at the end now - afterall, doing great=doing the best you can these days!

All the best for the last haul :-) and PS - I know what you mean about rude people, I'm at the point where I totally take it personally if someone doesn't hold the door open for me in public when my hands are full - how dare they! :-)

Jennifer @ Conversion Diary said...

I just now stumbled across your blog and wanted to say I'm so sorry you're having a tough time! After four pregnancies in five years I've certainly had plenty of experience with pregnancy woes, so I can totally relate. If it's any encouragement, I definitely think that the pregnancy with my first was my biggest challenge -- the whole having babies thing was SO different than what I was used to so the adjustment was rough. The good news is that the longer you're a parent, the easier the whole thing gets. Take care of yourself! :)

Elena said...

I've never been pregnant, but if I couldn't shave my legs easily or if I had to put up with the commute that you do every day...I'd be a wreck. Reading about this - that you continue to live through the big stuff and the small stuff - makes me realize once again how strong you really are. So, if you cry, snap once in a while, or even just feel sad or helpless, know that it doesn't make you any less of a capable and amazing pregnant woman, and person in general. :)

Michelle said...

I sympathize with you. I really do! And there are going to be days like that once the kid is here too. BUT there is nothing better in the world than a smile, hug or an I love you from your little one. Some days it will be hard to see that. But in the end, it is so worth it.

Thais said...

ok, somtimes i feel like that...and im not even pregnant...there are days i feel like a complete train wreck

Empty Arms, Broken Heart said...

I can relate to this in a non-pregnant way. When I was in the Peace Corps, I found the big things about living in a developing country much easier to handle than the small things. Living with a dirt floorl, hauling all my water, sleeping with a mosquito net, etc was easier than the smaller things, like dealing with bus schedules and horrible biting ants, or off-handed comments by neighbors . . . I think the cumlniation of the small things that grate on you can wear you down like pebbles on the beach being worn down by the smaller grains of sand . . .

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