this cursed day

Today is a beautiful day outside.  The weather is perfect, and we spent a lovely morning at the park.  There was an Easter Egg Hunt for kids, a childrens theater performance and plenty of activities.  We poked through an antiques & junk store, bought a bottle of wine and a fresh baguette to go with dinner, and had lunch at the window table in a little bistro.  Now Emmett's napping and we are about to do some packing and planning for our big move coming up in less than a month.  A perfect day.

And yet, I am feeling hurt, miserable and angry.  I am feeling sad and sorry for myself.  I have been crying on and off since last night.  Because today, despite its perfect mask, is my most dreaded day.  I want it to be just another day, because it IS just another day, but it also isn't.  It marks another year without Greg.  It symbolizes time rushing by, so much of my life adding up and going by without him here.  It's another tally mark on the number of years since he died, putting more and more time between now and the last time I saw his precious face. 

I feel so empty and lonely today.  I can't make a decision as simple as what to do next, and I feel like my head isn't quite attached properly to my body.  I miss my brother so much that it's physically painful, like my body is being torn apart.  I hurt today, more than I have in some time.  I let my guard down, allowed myself to relive that hideous, obscene night, allowed the tears to fall, and now it's so hard to rebuild those walls, to put it away again, but I am trying.  I will survive it and I will tuck it far away again so I can live my life.  I am not really okay today, but I will be tomorrow.