Everywhere I look, the past couple of weeks, there is a blogger recapping 2011.  There are memes, countdowns, favorites lists, essays, casual mentions and recaps... countless different ways it's being done.  I see them and I like their ideas for documenting and remembering, and I want to do the same.

I've realized something about myself, though.  I think I think differently from most people.  I see all these year end/new year posts, full of specific memories and timelines from the past year.  And I can't come up with things that happened in the past year.  Which is not to say I can't remember things - just that I remember them in a different way.  I don't think in a linear way.

I group things - events, trips, parties, holidays, even songs and books - into emotional categories, rather than linear, time-related categories.  I can tell you about all the time I spent with my cousins.  I can tell you about the best things Emmett and I have done, seen, eaten & played with.  I can tell you about trips I've taken to PA and trips to CT.  I can tell you about the times we've had people over and the most enjoyable meals we've had out as a family.  I can tell you about the projects I've done on the house (bad example, maybe, since that's all from 2011!).  And I can tell you the best books I've read and the songs that stick out in my mind.

But, unless hard pressed to think it through on a calendar, I most likely can't tell you when these things happened.  Feelings tell me about these things.  Memories and nostalgia and objects that remind me of events and people keep my memories alive.  I think my brain doesn't have a calendar function - at least for memories.

Over the course of 2011, there are really only two events that were major enough to stick out for me on a timeline.  One year ago this week, I had a miscarriage.  And four months after that, in May, we moved into our new home.

I do think linearly, in an organized timeline kind of way, for future planning.  The new year, every year, does feel like a fresh start to me.  While I don't always do resolutions or goals, I do feel a sense of new beginning.  I feared that this year would be different for me.  I am anxious for a bigger family, something we've been trying to do for 20 months now.  Going into 2012 with so much time stretching out in front of me and no real control over the situation seemed daunting and scary and endless.  I discovered, though, that opening up and talking to Mike was an excellent way to center myself and create goals for overcoming secondary infertility and growing our family (imagine - actually communicating in a direct way - who knew?!).

I am feeling more positive about my marriage, my family, my home and my network of friends and family than I have in a very long time.

I am ready for you, 2012.  Bring it.


Elena said...

I also tend to place things in emotional categories, but often those emotions correspond to a linear timeline in my mind. Hard to explain.

I'm really glad that your life is happy and positive right now. I very much regret that I wasn't able to see you while I was home (that illness really messed things up, and you're not the only one I missed out on) and I hope we'll be able to connect soon.

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