But, unless hard pressed to think it through on a calendar, I most likely can't tell you when these things happened. Feelings tell me about these things. Memories and nostalgia and objects that remind me of events and people keep my memories alive. I think my brain doesn't have a calendar function - at least for memories.
Over the course of 2011, there are really only two events that were major enough to stick out for me on a timeline. One year ago this week, I had a miscarriage. And four months after that, in May, we moved into our new home.
I do think linearly, in an organized timeline kind of way, for future planning. The new year, every year, does feel like a fresh start to me. While I don't always do resolutions or goals, I do feel a sense of new beginning. I feared that this year would be different for me. I am anxious for a bigger family, something we've been trying to do for 20 months now. Going into 2012 with so much time stretching out in front of me and no real control over the situation seemed daunting and scary and endless. I discovered, though, that opening up and talking to Mike was an excellent way to center myself and create goals for overcoming secondary infertility and growing our family (imagine - actually communicating in a direct way - who knew?!).
I am feeling more positive about my marriage, my family, my home and my network of friends and family than I have in a very long time.
I am ready for you, 2012. Bring it.