Whenever I hear a reference to April 9th, I relive April 9, 2006 inside my head. I start to break into a cold sweat. Fear creeps over me. I have flashes of things - watching a movie late at night with my sister-in-law. The phone rings. I can't move, can't function, can't breathe. My sister-in-law and M are packing bags. I'm in the car, M is driving us through the night to get to my family. In the very, very early morning we arrive and my parents and I are holding each other, holding on for dear life and for survival. I am passed around to the house full of my relatives, held and I don't remember anything anyone says. It's a blur. I can't move, I am dreaming, this can't possibly be happening. It can't, because it just can't. It's not possible, it's not real, no. No.

And then, I snap out of it. I pull myself back into present time and remember G has been gone for 21 months. Almost two years. The intense fear and pain is replaced by the dull and horrible ache I have become accustomed to. I take a deep breath and get my bearings. I will be okay. I will make it through.

I have noticed that I tend to ignore the month of April. I have made some plans as far off as August this year. M & I have plans with his sister for a weekend in mid-February. I am excited about a trip for a cousin's wedding in Phoenix at the end of February into the beginning of March. I remember a friend's wedding that's coming up in May. M & I are trying to come up with ideas to plan a trip for our first anniversary in June. Another cousin is getting married in July, and others of us are planning our third cousins' weekend to coincide with the trip for the wedding. I'm planning a Rhode Island vacation with my parents and other family for August.

But April - nothing. It's as though it's completely off my radar. If I ignore it, it's not there. Survival.


EDH said...

Oh, A... I so feel your pain. (My day is June 20, 2005.) Unfortunately I can remember far more details than I wish, but maybe with time they will fade. I hope so.

Wasn't it T.S. Eliot who said "April is the cruelest month"? I wonder if there is something you could to do honor your brother's memory during that month. But maybe it isn't time to do that just yet. You'll figure it out.

Big, cheesy, inadequate virtual hugs to you. I'm always just an e-mail away...

Ma Ma to 3 said...

A - I also feel your pain..mine may have bee almost 8 years ago but it still hurts like hell. March 24, 2000 is the day I dread...I also dread February 29th..thank goodness it is only once every four years.

You are so lucky to have such a strong and loving family to surround you with love at times like this. I am glad I can be a part of it.

I remember every detail still to this day..it never does go away..but it does eventually get a little easier with each passing day. I have moments that I can feel my father here with me...strange I know but he is here. Just remember all the love you shared and fun you had..that is the best thing you can ever do.

BIG HUGS from Connecticut!

We love you more than you can ever know.

Ma Ma to 3 said...

Please ignore the typos...hard to pay attention to that when talking about such things. G

maresi said...

Your world as you knew it was dissolved on that day. You've done a remarkable job not only surviving (which I'm sure must feel like treading water at the peak of exhaustion lots of times) but I've seen you thriving. And that is the best kind of tribute to G. Continuing to soak up the experiences of life that you can - as he did so well - will give you all lots to talk about on some distant day.

Anonymous said...

G was lucky to have you, as are we. Love M&D

Anonymous said...

Thanks , for your thoughts, and your memories. We all have intense memories of when we heard the news. And maybe didn't get to share them at the time with everything going on. I remember that through all the pain, we were together and I kept marveling at all of the love that had been there for us to care so much. And that's what I focus on now, that love. I agree with Mo*reezy. Let us all thrive, as a tribute to him. Someday we'll understand. J

Anonymous said...

You are an exceptionally fine writer especially when you have a special subject. I had some pleasant conversation today with Sister Mary Friel of the CT Applachain Mt Hiking Club about Gregory. Your parents will fill you in on the details!!!!!! gossipgirl

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