it takes less than two days

Six days ago, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. 

Four days ago, I started spotting. 

Three days ago, I started bleeding.

Two days ago, my doctor confirmed that I had a miscarriage somewhere between 5 and 6 weeks.

Today, I am regrouping and recovering. 

It was brief.  So brief, in fact, that if I'd not taken the pregnancy test and just kept waiting, I may never have known. I may have chalked it up to my wonky cycles and moved on, never having known the difference.  But since I had Emmett, my cycles haven't been quite as wonky as usual.  They've been a bit more predictable, and so I did take the test.

I proved what so many, many other women already know.  That it takes less than two days to fall head over heels in love with someone I will never meet.    It takes less than two days to be certain that I would do anything, absolutely anything, for that someone.  It takes less than two days to rearrange your entire life inside your head to make room for this new someone; less than two days to consider yourself a family of four instead of three.

It takes only one day of bleeding to rip that new version of your life you imagined for yourself out of your grasp. 

Insanely, I have never felt like a worse mother.  I was just letting this new life bleed out of me and I was helpless.  No matter what I did, I could not save that baby.  I had no choice but to stand by and let it go.  It is a very desperate and surprisingly strong feeling.  I know that this is crazy.  That there is nothing I did wrong and it wasn't meant to be.  That it is going to be okay and time will heal this. 

While it is happening, though, none of that makes any sense.  It is not something that can be rationalized or explained away.  It is just sad.  It makes me so sad and for a little while, that needs to be okay.  I need to be sad and then I need to heal and move on. 

____

There are a few of you I should perhaps have told about this personally before putting it out here publicly.  I hope you will understand that I am still very much in the middle of this and talking about it is very, very hard, but writing about it is my version of therapy.

22 comments:

maresi said...

Oh, Amy. I'm so, so sorry about your little baby. I love you and am here if you want to scream and cry into the phone.

Katherine said...

You are brave to post this - I'm sure there's so many people who never even talk about it. Lots of prayers and love headed your way, and like Maresi, call if you need to talk!

Meredith said...

I'm sorry Amy! I haven't experienced this, but know so many women who have. I know it's hard no matter how far along you are. My prayers are with you. xoxo

HereWeGoAJen said...

I'm so sorry. I will be thinking about you.

justine said...

It takes only seconds to fall in love, and it doesn't matter how far along you are. I know just how you feel ... and I wish I could make it easier. Thinking about you ... try to be kind to yourself right now, and surround yourself with people who will be kind to you, too. I'm so sorry for your loss. *hug*

gretam said...

I am so sorry Amy. I have several friends who have gone through this and I feel your pain after hearing their stories over the years and even recently. You are brave for writing about it and I really hope it does help you to move on in your own way. Praying for you.

Megan said...

Amy- that sucks. I'm sorry to hear this. Thinking of you.

Still A Guest Room said...

I am so sorry for your loss. You are so right...we fall in love so quickly with our little one, and it's heartbreaking to know they will never be. Thinking of you.

Warrior Woman said...

This is a very poignant post about miscarriage and I thank you for posting it. I'm so sorry for your loss and will be thinking about you.

Mrs BabyDream said...

Hey there - just wanted to say how sorry I am to read your news. I've been there myself just recently and it is hard. Take time to feel what you feel.

cowgirltn said...

I am sorry for your loss.

Sarah said...

Amy, my heart breaks for you. I am hear if there is anything I can do, even just listen to you yell. I can only imagine how hard this is. You have a way with words, even for times like this, that speaks right to my heart. While I've not physically lost a child we've had a few adoption 'leads' and I can agree about that love that grows and that life that gets mentally rearranged so quickly. This just proves what a wonderful woman and mom you are. Hang in there, sending hugs and prayers as your heart heals.

Kelly said...

I am so sorry. My first loss was an early loss and I felt much of what you are describing.

You're in my thoughts.

LFCA

Allison said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. My first pregnancy was very much the same as this one has been for you, and I must say, your words are exactly how I felt.

My heart is with you. Time heals and eventually the waves of grief grow further apart, but it never does make any sense.

-LFCA

Ashley said...

I can only express what others have already said, but I do want you to know I am so sorry for your loss. Take your time to heal in the way you know best. There are many shoulders out there to cry on, so never think you are alone. I will keep you and Mike in my prayers. Te amo! Cuidate!

Ashley~

Jenn said...

Hi, here from LFCA, and just wanted to tell you how very sorry I am for your loss. Losing a baby, at any stage, is so heartbreaking. Wishing you peace and comfort in the days to come. xx

Searching said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Suzy said...

This is such a true and well written entry. It truly only takes minutes to start imagining that little person as a part of your family. I've suffered a lot of losses and loved each one the minute I knew they existed.
My heart is with you in your pain.
xxx

rebecca said...

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss, it's impossible to protect our hearts from these losses. Hoping you feel surrounded by the love & support of many and are granted the strength you need for the journey forward ((hugs))

~LFCA

Maureen said...

Amy, I am so sorry that this happened. Hugs to you and if ever you need to talk I am here. ANYTIME.....

Thais said...

Amy, I am so so sorry to read abot your loss. I am sorry for the late condolenscences as I was away and not reading my blogs. If oyu need anything, please let me know. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I continually admire your courage and honesty about life and the eloquent way you capture emotions via words. Love you!

anotherauntie said...

Just heard the news. We are so sorry for your loss. Love and Hugs!

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